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16 Essential Etiquette Tips For Wedding Guests

Say "I do" to being awesome.

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1. Be sure to promptly send in your RSVP card — that’s why it stands for Respond, Seriously Very ‘Portant.

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2. It's rude to wear high heels if the bride is also wearing high heels, since the bride should be the tallest woman at the wedding. If you are naturally taller than the bride, it is customary to crouch and scream, "This is my normal height!"

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3. If you see someone who looks like they don't belong, discreetly make your way over to them and whisper, "Are you Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers the film?"

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4. It's considered polite to ask the groom’s grandmother to dance by taking her hand and saying, “You’ll be dead soon, anyway.”

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5. If the invitation doesn't specify a guest limit, go ahead and bring Big Jeremy.

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6. When an usher tries to show you to your seat, politely point out that they can mind their own fucking business.

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7. Don't leave the reception without picking up your wedding favors, even if you already have several Neopets of your own at home.

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8. It's only OK to interrupt the ceremony if you're truly in love with the bride and the groom.

9. Bring your own MIDI file of "Never Had a Friend Like Me" in case the DJ is an amateur.

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10. If you can’t find a date, bring a loud dog so you have someone to hang out with at the reception.

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11. Compliment the bride’s gown by respectfully bugging your eyes out, drooping your tongue out of your mouth, and shouting “Ah-OOH-gah!”

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12. Pocket on the left for the shrimp. Pocket on the right for the cocktail sauce.

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13. If you're given the honor of making a toast, be aware that anything less than 45 minutes is considered half-assed.

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14. Make sure to stand near the front of the cake-cutting line. More conservative families preserve the tradition that he who is last to eat the cake spends the remainder of the reception in the Goose Tank.

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15. If you forgot to buy rice to throw, don't worry! Any uncooked pasta you have lying around at home will work!

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16. Don’t fret too much about protocol. Most weddings are casual affairs, so just sit back, relax, and live-stream the procession to your favorite wedding fetish porn site.

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Happy wedding season!

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