1. “I’ve never actually read a book in my life.”
Not even “The Giving Tree”? Nothing?
2. “I just did a line of coke in the bathroom.”
3. “Are you going to eat all of that?”
Yes. I am going to finish all of the food in front of me, hence the reason I ordered it. I may give you a bite, but that’s as far as my generosity goes.
4. “Oh, I actually still live at home.”
“…and my mom still does my laundry.”
5. “Mind if we stop by the cemetery real quick? I have to drop something off on my dads grave.”
I would really really not like to.
6. “Can you order me a Malibu Bay Breeze?”
How many cherries do you want in it?
7. “Is the shaved head a look? Or are you going through chemo?”
8. “You look different in person.”
9. “I forgot my wallet. Can ya spot me?”
Sure, no problem. I was actually hoping to spend $100 tonight anyways.
10. “Want to skip dessert and head to my place?”
I showered and dragged myself out of the house tonight. I will get dessert.
11. “Really? It doesn’t look like you have a gym membership.”
Going to the gym 4 times a month is perfectly acceptable. I’m busy. Why ya gotta be so mean?
12. “I quit my job on Wall street. My biggest passion is club promotion.”
Oh, brother. I bet it is just as fulfilling.
13. “Wanna fool around in the bathroom?”
14. “Do you know how fattening macaroni and cheese is?”
15. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
- Arkansas has carried out the first double execution since 2000. The state had scheduled 8 executions before a key drug expires.
- "Stealthing," or purposefully removing a condom during sex without consent, has become a new trend. But victims say it is another form of assault.
- The same Russian hackers who interfered in the 2016 US presidential election are now active in German and French politics 💻
- A popular app changed the name of a filter after people complained it whitewashes them. The filter still lightens your skin though 🤔