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5 Apps To Replace Uber With

In case you live under a rock, or if you're just living an incredibly busy and active lifestyle that makes it difficult to check social media (liar), Uber has recently declared their support for everyone's least favorite Orange Sour Patch Kid after his unconstitutional declaration of a Muslim ban. Better delete that app fast if you want to prove your liberalism! Here are five apps to fill the void!

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1. Monster High: The App

Monster High

According to Monster High: The App's description, "The Monster High app brings you games, videos, photos, music, fashion, and more!"

According to Uber's description, "The Uber app brings you awkward small talk, 'Top 20's hits', and a hospital bill you'll receive after your driver runs his Corolla into a fire extinguisher!" Yikes!

3. DaddyHunt


DaddyHunt lets you meet single and discreet daddies in your area! Why go searching for a car to ride when you could go searching for a kind old man to ride?

This app will fill the void in your heart, and it will also fill up other parts of your body...if ya know what I mean. (Gay sex. This is a gay sex joke. Thank you.) ((You're welcome.))

4. Military Discount Soldier

Military Discount Soldier

The Millitary Discout Soldier app will help you find millitary discounts in your area. Even if you aren't in the military, it can still be super fun just to see how much you could be saving if you were fighting for our country. And you never know, maybe you'll be inspired to serve for our country exclusively because you'll get a 5% discount on baked goods at Whole Foods! Nice!

5. Cry Translator

Cry Translator

The Cry Translator is human innovation at its finest. It may be $4.99, but it's well worth it! The idea is that you have your baby cry into this app, and it will translate what it's saying. But we all know that you're the one who's actually crying into it (because you're very poor and you had to pawn your car but now you can't get to work because you can't get a ride because you deleted Uber! What a sticky situation!)

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