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10 Dating Rules For Girls That Don't Make Any Damn Sense

Confession: I have read "Why Men Love Bitches", "How To Get The Guy", "He's Just Not That Into You", and have watched every episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. Besides the aforementioned, I am chronically single because I am a bull-headed Aries who just CAN'T seem to understand these basic rules.

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"You have to play games."

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Do I look like Bobby Fischer to you? And if dating is a game, it's Monopoly--because everyone winds up exhausted, cheating or giving up altogether.

"You can't yell at him or call him out."

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Look, I know after doing this, he will immediately refer to me as a "psycho bitch", but I want to be able to refer to myself as a "person who stood up for themselves." Letting him off the hook isn't sexy; it's cowardly. And only gives him more reinforcement to continue his shit behavior.

"You have to act like you're not impressed at all."

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No one wants to fuck Queen Elizabeth. No one.

"You have to be a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets."

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"...But not on dates #1, #2, #3 or else he won't respect you."

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"Wait at least two hours before texting him back--you want him to think you have a super fun life!"

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But can I still post onto Instagram? Am I still allowed to leave my house? What if I'm seen by someone, and it gets back to him to I, gasp, am not ragging on yachts with P. Diddy every day?

"You have to let him chase you."

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.....I won't get that far.

"You have to be one of the boys."

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But I don't want him to like boys. I've already done the dating a gay guy thing.

"Men don't respond to words, they respond to silence."

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But I'm a writer. I only know words! (And silence from being single....)

"Always date someone who loves you just a little bit more."

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Shit. That only leaves my mom.

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