A Foolproof Guide For Shopping For Women's Clothing
Tip #15: Get your head stuck in a dress and wonder if you will die and grow old in this changing room, with a polyester dress on your head and your holey underwear on show.
1. Pick up a nice, plain T-shirt.
2. Double-check the T-shirt and see that it actually has “Don’t talk to me before I have coffee” written on the chest part.
3. Choose some clothes in your size and then discover that you’re actually a completely different size in this store.
4. See a white top that has a foundation stain on it, and slightly judge whoever did it even though you may have also accidentally done this.
5. Wearily attempt to open some pockets on a pair of trousers just to confirm that yep, they’re sewed on!
6. Rifle through the sales rack, this could be where your next amazing top comes from, and you’ll be able to brag about the fact you got it ~on sale~.
7. Realise that the sales rack is mostly very ugly tops, none of which are in your size anyway.
8. Feel mildly intimidated by a cool-looking salesperson and panic that they think you're shoplifting ugly tops from the sales rack.
9. Try on a jacket in front of the shop mirror but feel really self concious because another person is also trying on a jacket and taking up precious mirror space.
10. Nervously keep looking at your old jacket that you've put to the side, and worry that someone will mistake it for a chic, one-off item and walk off with it.
11. Go into the changing room, see yourself from seven different angles and have an existential crisis about not really knowing what you look like.
12. Pull your jeans down to your ankles while trying on a dress so that you don’t have to take your shoes off.
13. Try to take a mirror selfie, but from an angle that obscures the fact you’ve forgotten to shave your legs for three weeks.
14. Constantly panic that someone will pull back the curtain while you’re getting changed.
15. Get your head stuck in a dress and wonder if you will die and grow old in this changing room, with a polyester dress on your head and your holey underwear on show.
16. Sweat in the stuffy changing room and worry that someone else will have to try on these sweaty clothes and judge you, as you judged the foundation mark person.
17. See a cardigan or sweater and think “oh, weird, somebody ripped a hole in it!”
18. Go through the other ones on the rack and realise that the holes were deliberate and then feel a little foolish.
19. Accept that every top you see is in fact, a bodysuit.
20. See someone nowhere near your age and panic that you’re not the target demographic for the store.
21. Try to remove a bit of clothing that seems layered over something else, and then realise it’s sewn together and that’s the ~look~, only furthering your panic.
22. Look for things that you saw on the shop’s website and realise they don’t have any of them in store.
23. And that in fact, despite doing hours of online browsing on their shop, you have never seen any of these clothes before in your life.
24. Try to find an item of seasonally-appropriate clothing and then remember those stop being in store three months ago.
25. Pick up a skirt that will look really nice in the changing rooms, but will actually ride up as you walk when you wear it in public, exposing your butt to everyone who sees you.
26. Try on a pair of high-waisted '80s style jeans for a “cool, laid-back mom” look, but then be forced to wrestle them off in the changing room when they suffocate your crotch and prove themselves to be a yeast infection waiting to happen.
27. Realise how see-through most women’s tops are.
28. Consider buying a bra in the same colour as the see-through top so it's not so obvious.
29. Build a conspiracy theory in your head that tops are see-through as a way to get women to buy matching bras.
30. Try on a nice dress and then discover it has a big hole in the back so everyone can see your bra.
31. Feel confused about how this fits into your previous bra conspiracy theory.
32. Wonder why they put so much tat by the tills. Who is buying multipacks of lint rollers, pop socks and random phone cases as last minute purchases?
33. Leave the shop with a top you will return a week later, a skirt that you're unsure of, four packs of pop socks, a multipack of lint rollers and two sparkly phone cases.