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    If Male Characters Were Written Like Female Ones, This Is How Weird It Would Look

    "Stepping out, his bag grazed the fabric, which was against his nipples, which were very nipple-y."

    1. They would talk about testicles in a borderline obsessive way.

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    "John rose from his bed, acutely aware of the sensation of his balls against his thighs. He has balls, you see, balls shaped like spheres, almost like the kind of balls you play sports with. They dangled delicately from his body like Christmas ornaments on a tree, and there certainly was something festive about John this particular morning. As he proceeded to walk towards the shower, his balls recoiled from the cold, before being enveloped in hot, sudsy water. Yes, John had balls alright, and what balls they were."

    2. As well as nipples. Everything would lead back to nipples.

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    "Lewis could feel his nipples against his work shirt. As he walked to the office, the breeze of the autumn day bit at them. Guided by his erect nipples, Lewis moved nipples-first towards the building on a decidedly nippy day. He pushed the button on the elevator, the round button that was circular like the areolas that were part of his nipples. The lift rushed upwards, meaning that his nipples, still attached to his body, moved upwards too. Stepping out, his bag grazed the fabric, which was against his nipples, which were very nipple-y."

    3. The men would purr instead of speak, and be compared to cats a lot.

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    “Nigel slinked over to the bar, a spring in his step as he sauntered over. 'Excuse me,' he purred, running his finger seductively over his glass, 'can I get another one of these?' The bartender smiled, captivated by Nigel’s feline eyes and sensuous demeanour. He oozed sophistication and allure with a hint of aloofness. Nigel was a sex kitten, there was no doubt about it.

    4. When writing characters in first person, they would describe their bodies in ways that literally no real human being on this planet would.

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    I look in the mirror, and pour my voluptuous dick into a pair of flattering boxer briefs. People go wild when they see me and I’m quite the head-turner, especially when I unbutton my shirt and allow my chest hair, delicately curled like a Pre-Raphaelite angel's hair, to invitingly poke out. I strut my gorgeous gams purposefully down the street, anchored by my strong, masculine feet that invite more than a few flirtatious glances. Baristas will often give me a free coffee, all because of my striking but not-too-intimidating good looks.”

    5. If they weren’t white, there’d be a lot of allusions to exotic food.

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    “His skin was the colour of a browned naan; in his eyes, speckles of turmeric illuminated and reflected back at me. His hair was jet black, flowing like the River Ganges in his ancestral land of India. His body was tanned with peaks and troughs in all the right places, like a desert, which are in the Middle East, which isn’t that far from India when you think about it. His teeth were pearly white and milky like an inviting bowl of rasmalai, and his arms strong like the crispy corner of a samosa. He was an exotic beauty if ever there has been one.”

    6. There would sometimes be Manic Pixie Dream Guys who help the uptight female character discover their true self.

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    “Harry had the youthful, dewy skin and naturally glossy lips of someone years younger than his real age. He let out a wry chuckle, his flowing trousers billowing in the breeze. His eyes were huge, innocent saucers set on a porcelain-doll face. 'Don’t you ever want to do something crazy?' he said, a hint of longing in his voice. 'Let’s do something crazy, right now!' He grabbed Sarah, his fussy and uptight lover, by her hand and ran through the shopping mall skipping and singing. 'Isn’t this fun!' he cooed. 'Sometimes life is about the unexpected!' Sarah knew instantly that this man was the cure for her ennui.”

    7. They would be fetishised for liking stereotypically “feminine” things and being “just like one of the girls”.

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    “Lee wasn’t like boring old regular guys. He liked nail polish, romantic comedies, and drinking prosecco. Where most men would fuss over their beer and sports, he was practically one of the girls. He could knock a cup of red wine back with the best of them, and when you quizzed him about his knowledge of The Real Housewives of Atlanta it was clear he hadn’t just googled it. He was even privy to 'girls’ nights', where he could party as hard as the women and eat chocolate without gaining a single pound. He was every girl’s dream guy, not like other men at all.”

    8. Men over 40 would be withered old crones jealous of any young man they saw.

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    “David assessed his reflection and was startled by the old, sagging body in front of him. He was at the ripe old age of 41, well past his sexual peak and rendered invisible to all and sundry. He sighed, reminiscing about the good looks that had once captured attention in his youth, a youth that had happened what felt like several lifetimes ago. A young man and his girlfriend walked past, and with them an intense hit of nostalgia. 'I was desirable once,' David thought, his decrepit body pathetically shuffling away.

    9. The author would have no idea how men’s bodies actually work.

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    “Colin desperately needed to urinate. He did as all men do, and proceeded to handstand over the toilet with his head in the bowl, before urinating from his eyes. You see, men are not like women with their straightforward urethras; the male body is a complex hub of tubes and flesh and skin and sinew, all connected to lead to this moment. While women can even urinate in the shower, men are unable to in case they slip and fall while handstanding.”

    10. And they’d describe grown adult men as if they were frail little animals.

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    “Timothy was a mere wisp of a thing. He stretched his arms to reveal the taut, milky skin of his stomach. He fluttered his long, thick lashes and in that moment an almost maternal instinct to shield his tiny, baby bird body from the evils of the world overwhelmed me. Yes, he was a 32-year-old man, but really more of a 20-year-old in the body of someone older. He looked like a crow born mere days ago, and I could only hope to nurture him and perhaps feed him regurgitated food, like the infant bird he was.