1.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers' cars rather than their model name... does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
2.
It must be nice to be a man because you can literally just throw on a bomber jacket and everyone starts acting like you are the editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia
3.
Guys, you could have avoided this mishap if just one woman had been consulted in the design process
4.
Me outside the sculptor's house at 4AM banging two dustbin lids together: WHERE ARE HER SNUBES, LUCIANO? HER SNAKE PUBES, YOU COWARD!! https://t.co/VnWIBbmd03
5.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
6.
Date: I love car chase action scenes Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here
7.
me: i cant believe people dont take pics of me my friends: u look nice lemme take a p- me: GET THE CAMERA OFF ME
8.
me: knows lbs is pronounced pounds my one braincell: libs
9.
I need someone to come over to my apartment and stop me from buying an entire wardrobe of loose-fit linen clothes that will make me look like a 55-year-old hobbyist oil painter whose husband is retiring from the bank next year
10.
ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch
11.
my uterus realizing we aren’t having a baby after building up a lining for three weeks
12.
telling the group chat about your tinder date https://t.co/WC6p8kwhgc
13.
when a man says "females"
14.
Is my man a prince ? https://t.co/Rt8GKcrWI1
15.
The beauty industry: For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
16.
I worry about bringing a child into the world and sacrificing everything to make sure she has every advantage and support she needs to become a kind, strong, independent person in society but then, one day, she captions a photo of herself on a beach with “Maui does not suck.”
17.
my 4 moods
18.
&media=https%3A%2F%2Fimg-mkr.buzzfeed.com%2Fbuzzfeed-static%2Fstatic%2F2018-07%2F4%2F10%2Ftmp%2Fbuzzfeed-prod-web-01%2Ftmp-name-2-27917-1530715767-0_dblbig.jpg%3Ftemplate%3Dpinterest-vertical-dots-v1%26title%3DMzIgT2YgVGhlIEZ1bm5pZXN0IFR3ZWV0cyBCeSBXb21lbiBJbiAyMDE4IChTbyBGYXIp%26color1%3Dbluelight){kind=link}
19.
kate middleton after pushing out a whole ass baby vs me after writing the title of an essay
20.
Ah yes, the two genders
21.
“not all men are trash” you’re right. the Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Time Tea Bear would never treat me like this
22.
me: hey i kind of like this quote/piece of art from a mid-century male writer/artist. hope he didn’t murder his wife wikipedia article: he simply LOVED murdering his wife. it’s fine though me: oh okay
23.
waking up after sleeping with a tank top on
24.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.
25.
man: [reads an online article about a celebrity or pop culture thing typically liked by teen girls] man: [scrolls to the comments section] man: [typing] who? the man laughs and exits the window. he has done it. the world's smartest joke.
26.
When go to you pull your jeans up but don’t know your own strength
27.
see when boys say gals being too drunk is a turn off am like ???? mate am no drinking to make me more attractive, am drinking to make YOU more attractive
28.
A man pulled my ponytail and made kissing sounds at me on the bus so I turned around and burped in his face and I regret nothing
29.
[me discovering a new species of spider] ME: it has long legs. I will call it the long legs spider. *spider smacks my ass* ME: on second thought
30.
I don't understand what straight people think babies are
31.
Every female chef on Chef's Table: "Food is an expression of love and I want to nourish the world" Every male chef on Chef's Table: "I was a bad little boy until I went to kitchen army"
32.
other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean