23 Fucked-Up Things People Have Said During A Breakup That'll Make You Wanna Shower
"I would spend the rest of my life with you, if only you liked anal sex."
1. The one who slipped dick-first into another person.
I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me. I broke it off as soon as I found out about the first one and found out about the three others later. Anyways, he was begging me to stay with him and I yelled at him "No way, you fucked her on a picnic table at a playground" and he actually said to my face "It was an accident, I slipped and my dick fell in."
2. The one that made you say, "Excuse me, what?"
"I never would have thought that YOU would break up with ME."
3. The fake-ass friends.
"You should reconsider who you're friends with because I fucked your best friend." —My boyfriend who cheated on me with my best friend a week after prom, after we had all taken pictures together. (Had to crop them out because I looked great). —Lauren Young, Facebook
4. The "so no anal?" guy.
Via text: "I would spend the rest of my life with you, if only you liked anal sex."
Flash forward five years and he emails me apologizing, asking me to marry him because "anal isn't that important to me anymore."
5. The one who managed to insult and flatter at the same time.
I dated someone who was going to the same university as I. He said he didn't know if he was going to cheat on me. After he got back from school orientation he said, "Nevermind, I don't want to break up. As I was walking around campus, I only saw one girl prettier than you."
6. The one that made you say, "that's what she said."
We had a long distance relationship. And when we broke up he said “I’m surprised I lasted this long.”
7. The very casual two-timer.
“Sorry we cant do this anymore. My wife told me it wouldn’t work out.”
8. The one with telepathic cat powers.
"I see the way my cat looks at you. And animals have instincts that humans just don't understand. So I'm going to trust that this is a sign."
So I went out and got a dog. —Erika Laverse, Facebook
9. The one who wanted one last coffee fix.
"Hey sorry I've been kind of distant around you, I've actually been seeing someone else and it's getting kind of serious but we can still get coffee sometime?" Mind you I don't like coffee so whenever we went out for coffee, IT WAS JUST ME PAYING FOR HIS DUNKIN DONUTS ORDER!
10. The one that gave long-distance relationships a bad name.
In a long-term long-distance relationship: "I just can't make myself want to visit you."
11. The Coldplay aficionado.
"You’re what I want but not what I need right now." This motherfucker broke up with me using Coldplay lyrics. I didn’t realize until they played “Fix You” during the Super Bowl and I recognized the lyrics.
12. The classless texter.
“Check your phone.” Literally sitting right next to me and texted, “I think we should break up.”
13. The one who was just trying to be "courteous."
"I wanted to wait for you to go through your finals because I was afraid a breakup would affect your marks or make you fail, but I can't wait anymore. Also, don't cry, you're so ugly when you do." Bitch did I slay those finals and I am fine as hell.
15. The shameless big spoon.
After having sex, he let out a massive sigh and said, "I'm just not physically attracted to you anymore." When I tried to sit up, he had the audacity to try to keep me in our naked spooning position. Like I wanted to cuddle with the guy who just said I was physically unattractive!
16. The unfortunate summer fling.
“I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want, and that’s you.” — a guy I dated for a summer, two days after I found out he gave me mono.
17. The one who wanted the freedom to be a fuckboy.
"I just want to go out and have fun without feeling like I'm cheating on you."
18. The one that really went there.
We had break-up sex and he wanted to skip the condom. When I said, “Do you think now is REALLY the time to be risking pregnancy?” He said, “Maybe that’s what I need...”
19. The one who nearly cracked his masculinity.
“You’re better at Guitar Hero than me and it makes me feel like less of a man.”
20. The philosophical cereal fan.
"But it's like eating Cheerio's every meal, at first it's not too bad, but by the end you dont want any more and I think I need me some Fruit Loops."
21. The one who just wanted to pursue his life's calling.
"My spirit guide came to me in a dream last night and told me to move to Portland and start a jazz band."
22. The one who closed out on a business deal.
“I hope I didn’t ruin you too bad for the next guy.” Then he shook my hand and said, “Nice doing business with you.”
23. And the post-breakup glo-up for the ages.
My ex told me that my everything I tweeted was "tasteless." I eventually dumped him and got hired at BuzzFeed as an editorial intern. I now get paid to write what are basically extended versions of my tasteless tweets!