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    34 Tweets About Food That Will Make You Laugh Every Time

    After all, you are what you tweet.

    1.

    corn on the cob is a disrespectful bull shit food, it is the only vegetable you have to give a BUTTERED HAND JOB to before eating it

    2.

    "Is there any pizza left, dad?" [slowly licking each individual slice of pizza while maintaining eye contact] No

    3.

    I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering

    4.

    cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight? me: Cashier: me: Cashier: me: sure

    5.

    1st mozzarella stick: omg yes 2nd-3rd: this is great 4-5th: no looking back now 6th: I regret everything

    6.

    endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS

    7.

    *Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

    8.

    I like to pretend tech execs are always talking about how big the sub they ate for lunch was

    9.

    a lot of us will probably die without ever knowing the correct pronunciation of gyro

    10.

    Waitress: what can I get for you? Me: i'll have the steak W: how would you like it? Me: immediately

    11.

    Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here? Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe

    12.

    A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

    13.

    Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

    14.

    me: BRING ME 3 CAKE DISCS waiter: so you want pancakes? me: AND SMOTHER THEM IN THE BLOOD OF THE MAPLE TREE waiter: with syrup got it

    15.

    The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

    16.

    Shots shots shots shots shots shots / shots shots shots shots shots / shots shots of orange juice because vitamin c is an essential nutrient

    17.

    you: *goes ham in the club* me: *eats prosciutto at home*

    18.

    "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

    19.

    hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

    20.

    Have you noticed how people stop and take photos at farmers markets like they've never seen fresh produce before? Like calm down it's a pear

    21.

    Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before.

    22.

    waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

    23.

    These poor women. Too tired to eat chocolate.

    24.

    [Blackstreet Bakery] Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] "I love the way you work it" Baker: "No diggity?" Me: "Baguette up."

    25.

    Really? A fucking salad?? - Julius Caesar coming back to life

    26.

    BREAKING: scientists admit they still have no idea what technology is used to produce curly fries. "how the fuck" said one source

    27.

    Candy corn: The texture may be off-putting but at least the flavor is horrible.

    28.

    [inventing Peeps] What if we made a candy that's like a blob half chicken half couch

    29.

    Cereal is Latin for "cooking is hard."

    30.

    Please stop calling it "Guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year.

    31.

    *put cooked chicken in oven* *offer to cook date dinner* *put raw chicken in oven* *immediately pull out cooked chicken* *keep eye contact*

    32.

    Olives are great if you love the taste of almost drowning in the ocean.

    33.

    Pizza burned the inside of my mouth and I don't really understand why the things I love keep hurting me.

    34.

    "Let's just share a dessert", said the worst person on the planet.