1.
Alcohol: have a beer Me: no I have work in the morning Alcohol: ok Me: I'm hungry Alcohol: have a beer Me: ok Alcohol: have 10 more Me: ok
2.
*picks up beer* SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE STUPIDITY, EMBARRASSMENT, UNPLANNED URINATION, BLEEDING, AND EARLY DEATH *drinks beer* Excellent
3.
when u get too drunk at the club and everyone is like ummm lets get u home
4.
My favorite drink is "Wow! There's alcohol in that? I'll be able to drink several of those".
5.
So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else's house
6.
How I significantly improved my Netflix
7.
The bad thing about mimosas is that they have too much orange juice in them.
8.
Liquor before beer, in the clear. Wine before whiskey before beer before whiskey before rum before beer, I'm an idiot.
9.
the best kind of alcohol is a lot.
10.
DATE: ill have a dry white wine please ME: yeah ill have a wet one, thanks
11.
Guests: I brought you some non-alcoholic wine Me: oh excellent *pours it down the sink without breaking eye contact*
12.
A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.
13.
Home remedies: 1. Common cold - alcohol 2. Allergies - alcohol 3. Sun burn - alcohol 4. Hiccups - alcohol 5. Feelings - alcohol
14.
Me: I'm definitely over him Wine: No
15.
Who called them drunken texts and not remorse code
16.
[ordering wine while on date] do you like merlot, tammy? "yeah but you don't pronounce the T" ok *looks at waiter* 2 merlot for me and ammy
17.
alcohol is not the answer alcohol is the question, yes is the answer
18.
"I can do that. Hold my beer" - My last words, probably.
19.
Ahhh yes of course, I adore wine. I especially love [looks down at bottle of Pinot Grigio] peanut Gregorio
20.
Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.
21.
If training for a triathlon doesn't include drinking margaritas and taking naps then that clearly explains why I'm not in training
22.
*Tries to blow breathalyzer* breathalyzer: I have a girlfriend
23.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: "I hope I didn't do anything stupid." 29 year old me: "I hope I didn't agree to go on a hike."
24.
my favorite drinking game is PacMan. you drink everything in front of you as fast as you can before your ghosts catch up to you
25.
the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here
26.
The way nerds fear for the zombie apocalypse is the way actual drinkers feel about St. Patricks Day.
27.
You're drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you're just on a carousel
28.
I wonder if twins ever get really drunk and forget which one they are
29.
*pours a alcohol on the grounde* pour one out for my homies *my homies r all the rocks on the ground* heck yea ha ha no stone left unturnt
30.
This could just be the wine talking but I USED TO BEEEE GRAPESSZZZ
31.
*twins come out holding beer bongs* Oh they're fraternal.
32.
Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.