1. On Taken 3:
I can't believe how many bad TAKEN jokes I've seen since yesterday. I was TAKEN ABACK.
2. On politicians during blizzards:
I love it when politicians put on their "storm clothes," like they're going to fire up a plow and work all night on the turnpike.
3. On the Superbowl:
Superbowl Sunday, followed in many cases by Hangover Monday.
4. On bagpipes:
The difference between an onion and a bagpipe: nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
5. On the 114th U.S. Congress:
AMERICA'S NEW CONGRESS looks like the same old shit to me.
6. On spoiler alerts:
Another spoiler: Romeo and Juliet die in Act 5.
7. On waffles:
You will take my waffle when you pry it from my cold, dead, syrup-caked hands. I stand my ground.
8. On the age of the world:
Fundamentalists claim the world is only 6000 years old. I have a pair of jeans older than that.
9. On television:
The year's most annoying TV promo: "This is the episode that will change everything!" Only it never fucking does.
10. On separation of church and state:
No, not a Constitutional scholar, just…watch this closely. Church…here. State…there. Separate. Would a picture help?
11. On naming snowstorms:
"Lisa, at four inches an hour, plus blowing and drifting, we have officially labeled Poop a real shitstorm."
12. On Ted Cruz:
To me, Ted Cruz looks like a revival preacher on late night cable. I guess they like that in Texas.
13. On voting in Maine:
Huge amounts of snow in Maine yesterday! Republican voters should probably stay home tomorrow, safe & dry! HAHAHAHAHA.
14. And on the honey badger:
Honey badger STILL don't give a shit.
