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11 Hilarious Five-Star Reviews Of Toilet Paper

"It feels EXACTLY like wiping your butt with a cute, cuddly puppy."

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1. "Pepper your angus!"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"You better prepare your anus for these softies. When I wipe with Cottonelle Ultra, I feel like my bottom is gliding on top of clouds of joy. Hemorrhoids, don't be scared! This TP will not irritate you like the worlds best commercial 2-ply will, this toilet paper will make you tingle in joy as you wipe the brownies away! Whenever my friends use my bathroom they're always like, 'Dude, that is the softest and most joyous toilet paper that has ever made contact with my anus!' too bad all my friends are imaginary... Anyways, if you're in the market for some top notch toilet paper for the right price, this is the way to go!" (source)

2. "Really how do you write a review for toilet paper?"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"If I were a bear in the woods and needed toilet paper then I would definitely reach for a roll of this stuff. It's silky smooth and better than a corn cob." (source)

3. "Excellent!"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"Cottonelle hit the nail on the head with this product. It feels EXACTLY like wiping your butt with a cute, cuddly puppy but better, because you don't have fur left all over." (source)


4. "This toilet paper changed my life."

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"this toilet paper changed my life. For years and years, I've just used rocks for toilet paper but they kept clogging my toilet. This toilet paper makes a BIG DIFFERENCE." (source)

5. "The best toilet paper"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"Man this is the best toilet paper on the market by far the best if your not wiping your butt with this paper you must hate your butt and should seek professional help. So go ahead and add this to you cart and get ready for a thank you note from your butt." (source)

6. "Movement conservative"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"There's nothing I wouldn't give for liberty, but they'll take my Quilted Northern from my cold dead hands. This is toilet paper for real Americans. As a conservative, I respect its lack of recycled material. It's ultra plush but septic-safe, perfect for life off the grid. It's hard enough defending freedom without having to wipe with pine needles and poison oak.

It's not just me--our entire militia depends on these double rolls. On cold Idaho nights, nothing works better for lining the timbers of our log compound than this quilted 3-ply. And for us, the 48-Pack is a God-send. You haven't seen anarchy til you've watched 48 well-armed patriots wrestling over the last square of tp. I'll face down the Dems at the gates of H-E-Double Toothpicks, but I sure don't want to get poo on my hands.

When the rapture comes and I'm sitting at the right hand of the Lord, I'll wipe with cumulonimbus clouds. Thanks to Quilted Northern, I feel like I already am." (source)

7. "The only double rolls that don't make you look fat."

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"I LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE!!!! I use them for all my messes... Wife leaves hair in the tub? ANGLE SOFT!!! Get my hair all over the place shaving? ANGEL SOFT!!! Evil cockroach bolts into the shower early in the morning causing you to scream like a little girl as you flail around wondering if all your manliness was just washed down the drain? ANGEL SOFT... Eat really bad Chinese food because you hate your life? LOTS OF ANGEL SOFT!" (source)


8. "The Angels have sent your bum a soft kiss..."

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"After years of working in higher education, my cheeks have endured every cheap variety of 'bathroom tissue' on the market. I often wonder who the jack-wagon who orders these cheap products is, because I'd like to slap the self-loathing right out of him (or her). I want to say to this sad little person, 'Do you hate yourself as well as everybody on this campus? Don't you also wipe your tuches? Are you calloused around the posterior and this sandpaper is your method of exfoliation?' For years, on every campus, I have endured this rectal torture device.

Thank the heavens I had Angel Soft waiting for me at home. Reasonably priced, and as soft as Cupid's sweet cheeks, I always buy it in bulk. I don't order it through Amazon, though. I proudly buy the largest bundle I can find from my local Target and hoist it high on my head like an African water-bearer, so that everyone can see the care with which I treat my tenderest area. Once these angels descended into my life, and I finally saw the light, I realized that I no longer had to cheese grate my dirty bum every time nature called in the workplace. I installed a special pocket on my leather book satchel, tailor made for my personal roll of Angel Soft. Now, the angels protect my bottom everywhere I go. No more sandpaper for me. Take that, toiletry-purchaser, whoever you are, you joyless bloody-bottomed punisher of bums." (source)

11. "Ode to Cottonelle"

Jarry Lee / BuzzFeed / Thinkstock

"Oh Cottonelle,

You are my friend

You have healed my soul,

And my rear-end

The way you move,

Is not rough at all,

And after every meet,

I leave without ya'll

Flush, flush

and bye, bye

You are so soft

And far from dry

Cottonelle, Cottonelle

Until next time

You are with me forever

until the end of mine" (source)