1.
oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two
2.
[meeting friend's new baby] ME: awww—how long until it builds a coccoon HER: a what? ME: oh sorry, chrysalis
3.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
4.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
5.
"daddy where do babies come from" "we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
6.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
7.
does it even matter if babies get switched at the hospital like who cares
8.
Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby
9.
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"
10.
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
11.
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.
12.
mom: you were supposed to buy a baby stroller dad: [tightens saddle on raccoon] This is better
13.
*picks up crying baby* it's fine buddy when u grow up you will learn how to do this on the inside
14.
People my age are making babies and I can't even make a salad
15.
me: *names child butter* me: *accidently brings home wrong child* me: i can't believe it's not butter
16.
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
17.
"I wasn't born yesterday" - Lying newborn baby
18.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
19.
Waiter: and for sir? Baby: [closes menu] bring me your finest tits
20.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
21.
I slept like a baby! "Lucky!" No. Not lucky. *slowly turns towards you* I shit my pants and cried most of the night
22.
[baby's first words] baby: d-d-d dad: dada? baby: d-d-d-dONALD TRUMP 2016