I missed out on Outlander — Starz's adaptation of Diana Gabaldon's insanely popular book series — when it premiered in August 2014. Since it quickly became a show everyone was obsessed with and drooling over, I had to see what all the fuss was about. Ya know, beyond this:
Season 1, Episode 1: "Sassenach"
1. God, that scenery is beautiful.
2. How much is a ticket to Scotland?
3. *Looks up on Travelocity*
4. Never mind.
5. Girl, get a vase if you want one.
6. Wait. This takes place after World War II? I'm confused.
7. I can't decide if I would be a worse soldier or a worse field medic…
8. This is disgusting.
9. Def. field medic.
10. The life Claire (Caitriona Balfe) wants is in a vase? Is she looking for a genie?
11. Wait, I really thought this show took place in olden times.
12. Oh well.
13. Duh fuq is "Sassenach"?
14. Every door in this village has blood smeared on it, but, by all means, stop and spend the night.
15. "Come to our ghost party."
16. Claire sounds so eloquent while questioning her husband's manhood: "You'll never manage the next branch on your family tree if you don't show more industry than that."
17. That innkeeper certainly loves listening to other people have sex.
18. Oh, Claire's going to fall through a door to the past in these ruins, isn't she?
19. "I have no panties on, so you should totally go down on me in this dirty old kitchen." I like this lady.
20. "Outlander!" He said it, but I still don't know what it means.
21. Oolong tea is good for tea leaf readings? Fun fact, Outlander.
22. This palm reading is hella foreshadowing. Wonder if the reverend's wife read the Outlander books?
23. I hate it when ghosts watch me brush my hair too.
24. "I saw a ghost looking at you, so I need to know if you've cheated on me." Real slick, Frank (Tobias Menzies).
25. Claire and Frank have stumbled upon auditions for So You Think You Can Dance Like a Druid.
26. Went to get some forget-me-nots, touched a rock, fell through a time portal. Just your average Sunday.
27. Nearly raped two minutes after arriving in this new time.
28. Oh no, I can't understand any of these Scottish people.
29. The Lord really gifted us with Sam Heughan.
30. Phew! They're speaking Gaelic. I'm not that stupid.
31. Did he just say, "Cock on a rock?" Cuz…
32. Only Claire would fall through a time portal and end up in the arms of an old-timey male model.
Season 1, Episode 2: "Castle Leoch"
33. I'm so glad Jamie kept getting hurt in the shoulder because tending to it requires Claire to take off his shirt.
34. Welp, if the attempted rape didn't do it, making Jamie look at his sister naked certainly sold me on Black Jack (also Tobias Menzies) being a real asshole.
35. Don't get turned on during Jamie's flogging scenes. Don't get turned on during Jamie's flogging scenes. Don't get turned on during Jamie's flogging scenes.
36. "Is your husband alive?" "No." ::Commence eye sex::
37. Jamie is really making these one-shoulder bandages look hella sexy.
38. Claire's dressing process is fascinating: so many layers.
39. OMG, what is wrong with that guy's legsssssssssssss?!?!?!?!
40. Good thing Claire is so knowledgeable about history. If I were sent back to the 1700s and had to deduce the governmental structure, I'd be all: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
41. Claire needs to make like Biff in Back to the Future 2 — she knows what's going to happen; she could take over the world.
42. Or be branded a heretic.
43. I respect how many glasses of wine Claire has polished off.
44. Claire is getting all Maury Povich in this castle. "You are NOT the father!"
45. "Just a girl with spirit, is all. That's always a good thing." I don't think Jamie's talking about the horse.
46. "They say I'm a witch" is definitely something a witch would say.
47. Oh Claire, I know you have few choices, but can we make this the last lace choker you wear?
48. Why doesn't the show employ subtitles for these Gaelic scenes?
49. Good grief. Colum's (Gary Lewis) legs are the worst thing I've ever seen in my whole life and one time I walked in on my friend's grandparents having sex.
50. Claire is not allowed to leave Castle Leoch. She's literally the only person who did not see that coming.
Season 1, Episode 3: "The Way Out"
51. After this "you have such lovely skin" conversation, I think Mrs. Fitzgibbons (Annette Badland) may try to kill and wear Claire.
52. Surprised Claire chose to tell her secret to Mrs. Fitzgibbons first.
53. Oh. Dream sequence.
54. I understand, at most, 63% of what is being said on this show.
55. Colum demanding his tailor make him a new coat by tomorrow was actually the first known episode of Project Runway.
56. I've known since day one that Jamie and Claire end up together, but their charming close-talking during the harp scene was the first time I felt the need for them to end up together.
57. I'm impressed with Claire's restraint: If I were Jamie's doctor, I would find hourly reasons to check his bandages.
58. Claire seems pretty skeptical about the existence of magic for someone who fell through a time portal.
59. Geillis (Lotte Verbeek) is a bolder woman than I, kneeling between the legs of a man who, basically, just shit his pants.
60. <3 Jaime for saving that child.
61. I want a breezy cloak.
62. It seems insane to me that this priest thinks satanic possession is more likely than simple food poisoning.
63. This is now two harp performances that Jaime and Claire have talked through. They'd be the WORST at movies.
64. OK, I feel like this harpist read the Outlander books. He knows way too much.
Season 1, Episode 4: "The Gathering"
65. Angus (Stephen Walters) invented the upskirt shot.
66. Geillis went from guessing Claire is pregnant to wondering if she's barren. Fun chat.
67. "That lovely dress again. You wore it so well to the last gathering." Clock, Mrs. Fitzgibbons.
68. Every time I hear bagpipes, I think of Ross playing them on Friends.
69. Pretty sure Colum just said "Rihanna," like, nine times.
70. Dying at Claire telling the girl to, basically, recite the Wizard of Oz mantra to make Jamie love her.
71. Weekly rape threat.
72. Double rape threat!
73. One more for the worst hat trick in history.
74. I just turned on the closed captioning. Game. Changer.
75. So becoming laird is like Game of Clan Thrones?
76. Claire: "This is all my fault."
This guy: "Yep. It's a bit of a recurring theme tbh."
Season 1, Episode 5: "Rent"
77. This ep is titled "Rent."
78. I hope there's singing.
79. "They were clearly using Gaelic to exclude me." Same, Claire, same.
80. These ladies are pouring hot piss all over themselves because it helps dye set faster and Claire is excited to lend a hand???
81. I have no idea what just transpired between all these men in this cabin, but for some reason, Jamie just took off his shirt, so it can't have been all bad.
82. OK, so, let me get this straight: Dougal (Graham McTavish) carts Jamie around the countryside where he takes off his shirt to show his scarred-up back in order to elicit donations, given how much he's suffered? I feel like Dougal would probably make more money having Jamie take off his shirt to flaunt his chest. Just a thought.
83. OK, "Sassenach" means British person? But why?
84. Jamie was sleeping outside Claire's door so she wouldn't get raped by drunk townsfolk. 1. That's so thoughtful. 2. What a horrifying assumption.
85. She's inviting him inside.
86. SHE'S INVITING HIM INSIDE.
87. Oooh, he touched her thumb.
88. "I'll be right here." And I'll be right on the floor, dead.
89. "Are you here by your own choice?" — good cliffhanger!
90. FYI: No one sang "One Song Glory" in this episode.
Season 1, Episode 6: "The Garrison Commander"
91. "I am a guest of the Clan MacKenzie." Yes, Claire — YES.
92. Oh, so "outlander" means outsider? Why don't they just say that?
93. Why is Claire's maiden name pronounced like "Beecham" but spelled "Beauchamp"? Why wouldn't it be pronounced like "Bo-champ"?
94. I am here for this snarky conversation about how no one understands Dougal.
95. Feel pretty certain that Claire could outdrink Olivia Pope and Alicia Florrick, but I would like to see it happen IRL for concrete proof.
96. Is it bad that I keep wanting to call Black Jack "Jack Black"?
97. Like, is Claire like the only nurse in the whole of this country?
98. Oh god, are they going to show this amputation?!?!
99. YEP. They're showing it.
100. This is happening.
101. We're sawing an arm off.
102. Sawing it right off.
103. Oh god.
104. It's over.
105. That was a lot.
106. There really is nothing positive to say about Jack.
107. And no, this half-assed "sorry for trying to rape you" apology doesn't help.
108. "You don't have the look of a woman who would rouge her nipples" is the weirdest compliment I've ever heard.
109. Jamie's bloody back is unsettling in every way.
110. One hundred lashes on top of 100 lashes. I'm wincing.
111. I have watched nearly every horror movie that's come out in the last 20 years and watching blood flow from Jamie's back is easily one of the goriest things I've ever seen.
112. Like, pieces of his back are just hanging off. This is ungodly.
113. HE PUNCHED CLAIRE. I'll kill you, Black Jack.
114. "Kick her?" You're following Jamie's whipping scene with shots of men kicking Claire?
115. I am not emotionally strong enough for this.
116. Yes. You get in there, Dougal! Get in there and beat the shit out of every one of these assholes.
117. Oh my god — she has to marry Jamie!
118. Well, "has" — more like, "gets the honor of."
119. "The idea of grinding your corn does tickle me." You have no chill, Dougal.
120. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT JAMIE IS A VIRGIN???????
Season 1, Episode 7: "The Wedding"
121. Glad I didn't scroll ahead since this episode title is a big spoiler.
122. Wait. They're already married?
123. Didn't even need to go to Vegas for that quickie.
124. Claire's upset that the clan is now waiting around for her and Jamie to have sex, but, like, that's what has kept me going for these seven episodes, so…
125. Claire's heaving bosom is the heavingest bosom I've ever seen.
126. I am swooning so hard listening to Jamie tell hours upon hours of stories.
127. This is now a very cute love affair.
128. Oh yes, help her with the laces and such, Jamie.
129. Um, I'm sweating.
130. This is pornography.
131. OK, this post-coital conversation officially moved Jamie and Claire from a couple I want together to a couple I actively need together.
132. Where can Outlander fans get replicas of Jamie and Claire's wedding ring?
133. Dress shopping in a whorehouse? OK.
134. Can we go back to Jamie and Claire's bedroom please?
135. Oh, that dress is beautiful.
136. Is this priest going to cut them?
137. Why did he cut them?
138. Oh, it's like a blood oath.
139. "Take off your shirt, I want to look at you" — thank you, Claire.
141. And now she's cupping.
142. That is a rude, invasive shadow.
143. Get out of here shadow.
144. I wonder if Tumblr has freeze-framed and lightened this scene.
145. *Runs to Tumblr*
146. Jamie's first blowjob?
147. I'm gonna need a minute. That was quite the scene.
148. I'm not mature enough to watch Jamie give Claire a real pearl necklace after they've spent 45 minutes having sex.
149. Aaaaaannd they're having sex again.
150. This episode for all the awards.
Season 1, Episode 8: "Both Sides Now"
151. "My wife is not with another man." Hate to break it to you, Frank…
152. Cute way of introducing yourself, Hugh (Simon Meacock). "Let me just risk shooting you with an arrow real quick."
153. FYI — the closed captioning for everything Hugh says just reads, "(Gesticulating)."
154. This kid asking for biscuits is the cutest kid that ever happened.
155. Jamie and Claire can't stop touching each other. And I can't blame them.
156. Rupert (Grant O'Rourke) just made a "that's what she said" joke.
157. I don't want Claire to have to use these newfound knife skills, but I just know she's going to have to.
158. Of course Jamie was turned on watching Claire practice with weapons?
159. Yep, Claire just put her new skills to use. That was fast — and traumatic.
160. That reverend's wife is hella informative.
161. Be Claire Fraser! Be Claire Fraser!
162. Stop running to those damn rocks, Claire.
163. Jamie >>>>>>>>>> Frank.
164. I get why you're desperate to leave this time (it's dangerous, you can't understand anything that's being said, etc.), but honestly…
165. Man, Outlander is decidedly anti-British.
166. I am so scared right now for Black Jack to get his hands on Claire.
167. Claire is such a good listener. I would not have retained that random conversation from weeks earlier to use to my advantage in this moment.
168. Claire is so much better than I.
169. Omg, somebody help her.
170. SOMEBODY HELP CLAIRE.
172. This man…