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    I Took It Upon Myself To Rank The Disney Princesses Based On What I Believe Their Reading Levels To Be

    They can sing and manage a small team of cleaning animals, but I'm not convinced they can read.

    I'm not convinced all the Disney princesses can read (or at least read well) so I ranked them from worst to best based on what I assume their reading levels are.

    @boomunderground / Via giphy.com

    10. Belle

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    Surprised? That’s fair. This princess's whole thing is reading. She walks around the provincial town with her nose all the way in a book — she’s practically eating it — and people are noticing! What they’d notice if they looked a little closer, though, is that these are picture books. They barely have words! Have you seen the straight-to-VHS masterwork, Belle’s Enchanted Christmas? I have. Recently. We get a clearer picture of the literature she’s so thirstily imbibing in the lyrics of her song “Stories.” Read on:

    "I'll read him stories / From picture books / All filled with wonder / So much to discover / I do it all the time / I could live inside bright pages / Where the words all rhyme."

    I beg your pardon? She’s prancing around town like she just finished her annual re-analysis of War and Peace, but it’s probably Green Eggs and Ham. Which is fine! It’s ok to enjoy children’s books! Just don’t be so smug about reading when you can barely read!

    (“But wait,” you say. “What about when Gaston looks at the book and says there are no pictures?” My answer to you is this: Gaston is an imbecile. And go watch a better movie.)

    9. Ariel

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    “What do you call them? Oh… feet.” You have 20 entire thingamabobs and you can’t retain the word “feet?” Ariel is a fake fan of human culture; she can’t even name our appendages. To be fair, any books that could have helped her learn the basics would surely have been waterlogged beyond recognition long before they reached her depths.

    8. Merida

    Disney/Pixar / Via giphy.com

    I don’t know... who cares? Has anyone seen this movie? I saw Brave at a drive-in, and all I remember is “If ye could change your faet… wouldjer?” and the boy I saw it with, who could probably read but never did it in front of me.

    7. Snow White

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    As a low-ranking domestic servant kept away from society by a jealous stepmother who fears her beauty (which… Snow White isn’t that pretty; she’s just super white… But hey, Walt likes ‘em how he likes ‘em), Snow White never got a chance to learn to read. I can’t hold that against her. I also suspect that her high-pitched hyper-femininity is somewhat performative and that she could pick up a new skill fairly quickly. I don’t think there were any books in the dwarves’ cottage, but there were definitely musical instruments, which can be just as stimulating for the ol’ lobes.

    6. Aurora

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    Sleep is vital and restorative, but if it’s not a natural and restful sleep then it can be quite damaging! Was Aurora getting the oxygen she needed to her brain? Did she have good REM cycles? Listen, if a chaste little peck is jolting you awake, it’s not good sleep! I doubt post-slumber Aurora has the focus she needs to scan a page.

    5. Cinderella, Moana, Mulan

    Disney

    When push comes to shove, I’m sure all these ladies can read just fine.

    4. Pocahontas

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    The Powhatan language that the real Pocahontas spoke doesn't have a written form, but going by Stephen Schwartz' lyrics, she had an incredible way with words. Singing with mountain voices? Painting with wind colors? We have to hand it to her; that's some A+ figurative language.

    3. Jasmine

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    Jasmine is a woman with INTERESTS. She is INDEPENDENT. She is NOT A PRIZE TO BE WON, which is an incredible line she came up with in the heat of a stressful moment. She’s practically a poet! Well-versed in tiger maintenance and with a strong left-wing populist sensibility, Jasmine has clearly absorbed some niche reading material. God, I love Jasmine.

    2. Rapunzel

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    Until she ventures out into the world, Rapunzel is left to her own devices, literally 24/7. I guarantee that she’s doing the New York Times crossword. I mean, even if she’s just doing the TV Guide crossword puzzle, she’s putting the others to shame. Much like Matilda, she’s read every book she has access to, several times over.

    1. And in first place, Tiana

    Disney / Via giphy.com

    Growing up in 20th century America with a loving mother who read to her as a child, Tiana was set up for success more than most of our other princesses — on this particular list, anyway. By the time she’s ~20 years old, she's running her own restaurant. That requires some heavy reading! I’m talking articles of incorporation, local commerce bylaws, wholesale order forms, trade publications. I guarantee you that she’s proficient in the entire Microsoft Office suite. You think Belle knows how to use a spreadsheet? Please.

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