Marriage is a pretty big step in any relationship. If you are planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, you both need to be on the same page. So we asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what things couples often forget to discuss before marriage but are super important, and I'm taking notes.
1. "Debt. Are you bringing debt into your marriage? What are your philosophies on handling debt in the future?"
2. "What your thoughts are on sickness and death. Your spouse could have very different views on what to do during terminal illnesses and 'Do not resuscitate' orders."
3. "Things you really did or didn't like that your parents did during your upbringing. This will bring up anything that has the potential to be an argument. Make sure you both know what you're dealing with."
4. "Household chores and splitting up certain duties. Some couples like to split the cooking and cleaning 50-50. Talk about your expectations for such things if a situation changes. I'm a teacher, so I take over more of the household chores during the summer, but my husband took over more when he wasn't working. Revisit this split whenever your work/life situation changes."
5. "Deciding where to live. My husband is Japanese and I'm American. Right now we live in Japan but are deciding where we want to raise our kids. It may be a better situation for them in America, but my husband is an only child, so his parents will probably expect him to return to Japan to take care of them when they are older."
6. "How bills will be split. Especially if one of you makes significantly more than the other, you need a base plan on how your finances will work."
7. "How you deal with annoying situations. Can you hang a picture together or build furniture without getting frustrated with the other person? You will be doing a lot of those things for the rest of your lives, and it's very telling about your spouse's temper."
8. "Family expectations and boundaries. Whose family will you plan to be with during certain holidays? Are you okay with their family showing up unannounced? Deciding what amount of family time is too much after marriage and kids is also important. Likewise, you need to decide how much information about your relationship you will share. What topics are okay to discuss with the family and which ones are just for you two?"
9. "What are your love languages? Knowing more than the base four — words, actions, touch, and gifts — is very important. My parents both give gifts, but in different ways that create strife. My dad likes to give frivolous, expensive gifts, while my mom likes to get things for people that they ask for."
10. "Who is going to be the main breadwinner? Are you willing to follow someone's job if they have to move? My husband and I met in college before we had settled on careers, and I decided to go into education because it is everywhere, so we can follow his job if necessary."
11. "How will you spend your retirement? Sure, it's a long way off, but spending your life together is the goal, right? A homebody should know if their partner is going to want to go on adventures and travel the world."
12. "Pets. To some people, having animals in the house is an important part of life. I told my now-husband very early on that pets were a necessity to me, and he was more than happy with that."
13. "Vaccinations, circumcision, and other major decisions for babies."
14. "How you and your partner deal with emotions. If you're the type of person who needs space to deal with something huge or prefers to process your feelings alone, it's good to tell your future spouse."
15. "How your spouse would react if your children weren't cisgender and straight. Everyone can say they're fine with anything, but it might be different for some people when it comes to their own kids. I wouldn't want a partner who wouldn't accept their children for who they really are."
16. "What would happen if one of you had a serious accident, were otherwise incapacitated, or died. It's awkward to talk about, but your spouse will likely be making those decisions when you're unable to, so making it clear what you want is important."
17. "Mental health. Can you handle someone's mental health issues, and what can you do for your partner in that situation? Figuring out a way to cope with someone's mental health and how to support them is important."
18. "How will you handle infertility? Many couples never consider that they might struggle to conceive, so they don't know how to handle that struggle. I wanted to adopt, while my husband thought about splitting up, and it was very difficult. It was a serious blow to realize we were so different in handling the infertility problem."
19. "Divorce. How will you handle a divorce, who keeps what assets, and what could cause a split? While you probably don't want to think about splitting up with the person you're discussing marriage with, it's a reality that could happen. Before you tie the knot, it's healthy to discuss what could cause your ties to break, and what steps you're willing to go through to avoid a divorce."
20. "How you plan on raising your kids. What will your discipline look like? What kind of schools will you send them to, and will you raise them with a specific religion?"
21. "Providing and caring for parents and other family when they get old or sick. Are you both okay with a parent or parents living with you at some point? Are you both okay with having to financially support a parent's medical or personal expenses at any point?"
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.