Welcome to the quiet Scottish town of Uddingston near Glasgow, home of Tunnock's – the infamous teacake factory.
Not all was well in Uddingston today, as a pro-independence pressure group called the Scottish Resistance turned up to protest against the "traitorous" chocolate factory. "Hear roar us," they demanded.
The increasingly notorious Scottish Resistance – who recently attempted to have David Cameron arrested for war crimes at their local police station and have searched for the ghost of Scottish patriot William Wallace – were infuriated by the decision by Tunnock's owner, Boyd Tunnock, to rebrand his teacakes as "the great British teacake".
Last week Tunnock announced the rebrand, which also included dropping the Scottish lion rampant from the packaging, in a bid to help promote the Scottish snack in the rest of the UK. A noted unionist, Tunnock repeatedly made the case against Scottish independence during the 2014 referendum.
The British rebrand angered the Scottish Resistance so much that they went to the home of Tunnock's and demanded that the Scottish lion be "immediately reinstated" to the company's packaging.
"We are the Scottish Resistance!" screamed leader James Scott, who had brought along a microphone and a small portable amplifier.
"The lion rampant was brought in by William the Lion king of Scots on Christmas Eve in 1165. It was used as a Tunnock's logo and now they're doing away with it. It's disgusting!"
During a loud but short speech, Scott also claimed that Tunnock had "sold out Scotland" during the independence referendum – "the most unfair referendum in human history" – by backing a No vote: "Never before in any country on planet Earth has this happened: Businesses stay neutral. It's absolutely disgusting."
But minutes into Scott's passionate protest, a pro-Tunnock's counter-protest suddenly appeared in the shape of a local woman named Rita Calder.
Calder brought along a packet of teacakes in solidarity with Tunnock's, and told BuzzFeed News she thought the Scottish Resistance members were "idiots with nothing better to do".
"These idiots are on Facebook constantly, on telly, the internet – they're a disgrace," said Calder. "They don't represent nationalists; a lot of Yes voters hate them because they're so extreme. People have a right to an opinion but I've had enough of these idiots. They're a laughing stock."
Asked if she was going to stay for the duration of the protest, Calder said: "I've got more important things to do. I've made my protest, they can like it or lump it. They don't do the Scottish National Party any favours at all – they do themselves no favours."
Then a second woman, who didn't want to be named but described herself as "an old teacake fan", made a beeline for Sean Clerkin of the Scottish Resistance and hit his sign with her walking stick.
For an unknown reason, the woman immediately challenged Clerkin to name the most famous Scottish nationalist.
"WILLIAM WALLACE," screamed the Scottish Resistance member.
The woman disagreed and said the most famous nationalist was actually Ian Hamilton – the man who stole the Stone of Destiny from Westminster Abbey in 1950.
"I think this protest is a piece of nonsense," she told BuzzFeed News after she had stopped hitting Clerkin with her stick.
"We've had help from England twice over the centuries and Tunnock's does a great job. Boyd [Tunnock] has given away more than these idiots have ever made in one week. I'm a great fan of Boyd, and I object to a Scottish company which is exported all over the world being treated like this."
Meanwhile, Scott was handing out Lees teacakes to the assembled crowd to tempt them away from ever eating Tunnock's again.
"Lees, Lees, more if you please," laughed the Scottish Resistance leader.
Scott appeared to be unaware that Lees Foods said in a 2013 statement that the company would be "disadvantaged" if Scotland was to leave the union and become independent.
All the while, staff of Tunnock's looked on in bafflement.
When told the protest was happening because of the British rebrand, one replied: "But we are in Britain, aren't we?"
BuzzFeed News attempted to enter the factory and speak to a representative from Tunnock's regarding the protest, but we were immediately asked to leave the building.
However, they did give us a free teacake.
Afterwards, Scott said he was unsurprised by the relatively poor attendance at the protest.
"It went how I would expect it to go in Scotland. All the media, the British media, control everything in Scotland," claimed Scott. "Everything."
"It's a fear campaign," he continued. "Even now people are afraid of campaigning with us because they might lose their job. That explains the low turnout, people are afraid. They're frightened to protest. It's a disgrace."
Scott conceded that the protest was unlikely to bring back the lion rampant to the Tunnock's packaging.
"Some people say what we do is a waste of time," he said, "but I don't think it is. One of my protests got a plaque put on the wall of Traitor's Tower, where the pact was made to betray William Wallace. I campaigned for years for that to be done, and now it's paid off."
Asked what he would do if he was offered a Tunnock's teacake, Scott said: "I'd refuse it but I wouldn't damage it. I wouldn't stamp on it or anything."
Jamie Ross is a Scotland reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in Edinburgh.
Contact Jamie Ross at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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