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    Just 24 Of The Funniest British Tweets From February

    "Why do all people over the age of 40 have that phone case that opens like a book?"


    Hate how you have to buy a pack of 8 wraps. I just wanna make 1 wrap, maybe I could stretch to 2 or 3, but 8 is ridiculous. Feel like I’m planning my week around my next wrap. Not ideal.


    So my tenant has had some issues with his nutri bullet this morning...😂 @eabanter


    my ex just slid into my DMs with the “this song reminds me of us” youtube drop but rather than link the song he accidentally linked andy carroll’s bicycle kick goal against crystal palace. cool


    this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE



    I think it’s fair to say I should never drink again


    Whats App tales. Hi dad, you ok? How's things? Will you be home next week, I'll pop round. Dad is typing.. Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing.... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is STILL typing... Dad: Yes


    americans would have a fucking aneurism seeing year 9s getting pissed in a field


    In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer. Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp


    I've seen some things in my time on Facebook, some deprived things, blokes getting shot, animal cruelty and obviously ugly children.. but a quality street tin - filled to the brim with tuna pasta, is quite frankly where I draw the line


    Sorry but it’s 15 DEGREES today, I’ll have a strawberry and lime Kopparberg when you’re ready bar man


    won a henry hoover at bongos bingo last night and is easy one of the happiest times of ma life just cutting about the club with ma hoover hahahahahaha


    met a waiter today with knuckle tattoos that said ABBA GOLD and have not stopped thinking about it for a single second since


    Roses are red Poems cause boredom You won, Jane. Enjoy the money, I hope it makes you very happy. Dear Lord, what a sad little life, Jane. You ruined my night completely, so you could have the money, but I hope now you spend it on getting some lessons on grace and decorum


    Train stuck at Cockfosters owing to giant woman in tunnel. I wouldn't mind but this is the third time in a month. Yet again the staff chase her into the darkness with a big net but she vanishes.


    Why do all people over the age of 40 have that phone case that opens like a book




    piers morgan: says something racist/homophobic 18 year old white boy wearing a suit from m&s: 😂😂😂 don’t always agree with the bloke but he does say it like it is 😂😂😂



    *to the tune of Mr. Sandman* 🎼Mr. Brightside, Calling a cab, Having a smoke, And taking a drag 🎼


    i SAID what’s the story in balamory


    me age 15: go away mum i’m a grown up now me at uni: hi mum i know I’ve texted u 18 times but i’m just calling to say it’s very sunny here. i just hoovered my room it looks dead clean. oh ur in work? ok i’ll call u back in twelve minutes instead love you


    I still think about those love island World Cup nights