1.
I know it's only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like to buy your dog.
2.
Leland are you kidding me
3.
Sure are a lot of DILF's at the park today 😎😎😎 (Ducks I'd like to feed)
4.
Sitcom dad: What do you kids want for dinner? Kids: Not YOUR cooking Audience: Ooooooh! Sitcom dad: what the fuck did you just say to me
5.
6.
[making out] gf: um im just not feeling it right now me: is it me? gf: no [i pause "all-star" by smashmouth] me: well what could it be then
7.
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
8.
a naked girl can get a thousand retweets, but how many can our troops get?
9.
ME: hey. how was your day THE EYE THAT FLOATS UNBLINKING, SILENT & UNTETHERED FROM TIME, IN MY KITCHEN: 👁 ME: don't know why I fuckin bother
10.
wife: "you shouldn't give him that it's bad for him" me: [pouring the dog a bowl of dr pepper] "it's made by a doctor linda"
11.
forgot my mom bought a buffalo. scared the hell out of me
12.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers 'Horse' section
13.
In hindsight I feel terrible that I named my first child "Merbin"and even worse now that I've also named my second child Merbin by accident
14.
15.
Whoa just realized F.ross R.achel I.oey E.obe N.onica D.andler S.ome friends
16.
Vet: your horse is lame. Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine? Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave.
17.
i don't mean to body-shame, but this cat looks stupid as hell
18.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
19.
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
20.
My dog loves it when I rub his stomach
21.
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
22.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
23.
"Can you tell me about this piece?" "Yes, it is frogs and they are so worried."
24.
Spider van Spider van How do spiders drive a van? 10 on top 10 below Where would you like to go? Get in. Get in the Spider Van.
25.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
26.
27.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy