1.
Why dae folk ask babies stupid shite lit "Ur gettin big arent ye?" As if the wee cunts gony be like aye Moira yer spot on am oan the protein
2.
Canny believe we nearly got wee alan to fit into a Kopparberg box
3.
pensioners love gawn on buses when its roastin n shuttin the windaes, aww yes boil me alive Agnes beat me wae a ladle n call me lentil soup
4.
Nandos hostess asked a boy wi ripped skinny jeans n huaraches if he'd been before Waste a breath. Let him in the back he'll cook it himsel.
5.
Ma pal dropped an eccie down his decking and he's taking it apart tae get it 😂 a love ma pals
6.
primary school wa the best, a free gig every mornin just beltin out pure jesus anthems, fuckin quality
7.
Barber could staple a pic ae yer maw gettin shagged tae yer heed but when he holds up that wee mirror you'd still be like ideal mate cheers
8.
9.
when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
10.
Done my driving test that many times il be at the dvla christmas night oot man
11.
A see one thing and one thing only
12.
A got vodka in my eyes during Cascada n it looked like a was greetin, and some guy just patted me on the back n said "mate a know" hahaha
13.
Clowns are just goths on eccies
14.
15.
My cousin took her washing up to my grans for her to do & she went back to pick it up & my gran had sewed her ripped jeans up😭😭😭 I am crying
16.
hilarious flynns heavy para cause he's text his maw this
17.
baby coughin on a bus right as a needed tae cough so a nearly exploded hawdin it in cos a didny wanty look like the guy who copies babies
18.
Somecunt's stole aw the windaes aff that house
19.
im at the age where people r askin "so what u doin with ur life" n im like mate am genuinely jus here for a laff x
20.
21.
Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says "have you got any nut allergies" aye pal I'm planning suicide by donut
22.
Tonic the hedgehog
23.
my brother just got his 4th unconditional for uni and av just eaten a dog biscuit thinkin it was chocolate
24.
Just realised that my club stamp says yer da sells avon, ffs scotland
25.
Mums rajing cause she put the washing out then went on holiday for 10 days came back and it was still out kate that's no in my payroll hen
26.
naw mate he's a fucking loser
27.
Peoples boyfriends buy them glow kits and eyeshadow palettes and mine is like
28.
Mental what a couple a fairy lights can do, ye could put them on a deed body n id be like omg that's fucking lovely get that on ma Instagram
29.
Canny believe Gregors away in a huff cause we were slagging him for dressing like a train seat hahahahah
30.
If u see somecunt in the cinema buy popcorn, nachos n a juice theyre a drug dealer. No other explanation for that sort eh disposable income
31.
Canny see that lasting three month pal
32.
dae goths have afters? like the moon's nice the night lads mon back tae ma haunted pad for a can a monster n a mosh pit
33.
34.
Member the days when you used to drop your phone n the battery would fall out. Now if you drop your phone your heart falls out ur arsehole
35.
36.
Wit if Scotland just refuses to leave the eu? Like aw just say naw n tell England "wit ye gonny Dae phone the polis?"
37.
38.
any clown comes anywhere near ma personal bubble get yer fuckin stopwatches out cos usains record is getting shagged
39.
40.
Fuckin mastermind at KFC drive thru just asked if a was sittin in or takin away...Aye hold the door open tae a reverse inside ya stupit dick
41.
Hit an all time low having to get a taxi home with the dog he's that fucked from a 20 minute walk my god
42.
Get me on the next camel tae seshlahem
43.
Ma maw knows a hate shreddies, n she's been hidin the scran in here for fkn ages wit a snake
44.
Pmsl callums just failed his driving test cause he stopped to ask me if a needed a lift 😂😂😂😂
45.
Hate these wee pricks , actual sit on yer plate n laugh at ye cos yer dinner is shite
46.
Canny stick cunts who always go on saying "i dont need alcohol to have a good time" aye that's good for you enjoy your fruitshoot ya cabbage
47.
Here is there like "German Twitter" or "Italian Twitter" where mad euro cunts are firin out hilarious spaghetti bolognese patter?
48.
Throwback to ma last decent sleep
49.
@policescotland hi guys just a quick question, is it legal or illegal to slide tackle a goth?
50.
Taylor Swift seems like the kinda weirdo ye had in yer primary class that barked when ye spoke to them
51.
Didn't know Airdrie was bilingual.
52.
burd in the pub kept tellin everycunt her cat had thumbs n then we ended up in her gaff and shit u not that wee hing could beat u at Fifa
53.
Still no slept
54.
See how Scottish people wear tops that say 'New York' or 'LA' do people from America wear tops saying 'Arbroath' or 'East Kilbride'