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If You Have A Dark Sense Of Humour, These 24 Tweets Are Just For You

"Gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine."

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1.

Me: will there be sausage rolls? Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there- Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband's funeral. Sausage rolls?

2.

i pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fuck u sarah it’s diabetes

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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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5.

Damn I never realize how bad my potty mouth gets at school until I'm home for the holidays and I accidentally tell… https://t.co/4jElX0Bsag

6.

I still think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

7.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

8.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

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9.

[sinister narrator voice] sometimes... you don't want to get better

10.

me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" girl: "dude, this is a library" me: "oh" [screwin… https://t.co/Ct5UX8dDTU

11.

julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me

12.

Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting.

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13.

Shout out to all the early humans who died figuring out what plants we can and can't eat.

14.

"As for weather on the east coast-" *Don draws a dick on the map* The anchors laugh. Don is fired. In 36 hours a dickstorm levels Baltimore

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The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.

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17.

Hope I see someone get attacked by a bird today I could really use it

18.

Reminder of one of the darkest moments in history

19.

DONT👏🏼SAY👏🏼U👏🏼WANT👏🏼A👏🏼GOTH👏🏼GF👏🏼IF👏🏼U👏🏼FREAK👏🏼OUT👏🏼WHEN👏🏼SHE👏🏼SACKS👏🏼ROME👏🏼

20.

me: hi do you take walk-ins the morgue: what

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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

23.

[last supper] Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup Judas: what's sup? Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao Judas: this is the last straw