1.
Me: will there be sausage rolls? Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there- Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband's funeral. Sausage rolls?
2.
i pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fuck u sarah it’s diabetes
3.
Pac Man is in a bad place these days.
4.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
5.
Damn I never realize how bad my potty mouth gets at school until I'm home for the holidays and I accidentally tell… https://t.co/4jElX0Bsag
6.
I still think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
7.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
8.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
9.
[sinister narrator voice] sometimes... you don't want to get better
10.
me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" girl: "dude, this is a library" me: "oh" [screwin… https://t.co/Ct5UX8dDTU
11.
julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me
12.
Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting.
13.
Shout out to all the early humans who died figuring out what plants we can and can't eat.
14.
"As for weather on the east coast-" *Don draws a dick on the map* The anchors laugh. Don is fired. In 36 hours a dickstorm levels Baltimore
15.
jesus christ, jean.
16.
The Time Person of the Year should be the same every year: the person inside Big Bird, for resisting the urge to kill.
17.
Hope I see someone get attacked by a bird today I could really use it
18.
Reminder of one of the darkest moments in history
19.
DONT👏🏼SAY👏🏼U👏🏼WANT👏🏼A👏🏼GOTH👏🏼GF👏🏼IF👏🏼U👏🏼FREAK👏🏼OUT👏🏼WHEN👏🏼SHE👏🏼SACKS👏🏼ROME👏🏼
20.
me: hi do you take walk-ins the morgue: what
21.
I don’t remember this episode
22.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
23.
[last supper] Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup Judas: what's sup? Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao Judas: this is the last straw
24.
