1.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
2.
Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
3.
4.
If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
5.
[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]
6.
7.
First Date Tip: 1) Wait for check to arrive 2) Insist on paying like a gentleman 3) Lock eyes 4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
8.
Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just... You never listen Susan.
9.
10.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
11.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
12.
When you go to your Girlfriends parents house for the first time...
13.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
14.
date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist
15.
16.
the stages of a breakup: 1. denial 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. taking pictures of everything you do to make sure people know you're having fun
17.
Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
18.
19.
Romance: During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there's an engagement ring on it
20.
my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
21.
22.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
23.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
24.
25.
When breaking up with your first boyfriend/girlfriend, it helps to say "you'll always be the answer to my online banking security question."
26.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
27.
