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16 Masturbation Horror Stories That Will Give You No Pleasure

Seriously, lock your damn door.

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1. Oral pleasure

When I was like 14, I remember I was in the middle of a REALLY good session with a vibrating toothbrush when my dad walked in. I had no idea what to do so I closed my eyes and screamed at him to get out. He did, but down the hallway I could hear him yelling “OH MY GOD, IS THAT MY TOOTHBRUSH?!” So now he keeps his toothbrush separate from everyone else’s.

Submitted by kellya44e7aadc9

2. Congratulations! It's a…banana?

So when I was about 13 I was very ~curious~. I didn’t quite grasp what being horny was. So in a desperate attempt to touch myself in a way that felt good I decided to put an unpeeled banana up my lady parts. I tried to pull it out and a piece broke off inside. So I tried to grab it, but to no success. So here I am naked on the floor with half a banana stuck inside me. I literally had to push it out. I basically ended up birthing a banana that afternoon.

Submitted by alejandrag44a49db03

3. Tag, you're it!

Did you know that semen glows under blacklight? I learned that at 15 when I went laser tagging with my friends.

Submitted by Jake Caldera, Facebook

4. Rub-a-dub-dub

Just for clarification: I'm a trans guy. Okay, so when I was 11 or 12 I had discovered the joys of masturbation and I only really did it when I was in the bath. One day I wondered what sex was like, so I used a shampoo lid which resembled a lipstick lid, thus making it a very small, very short dildo – but still usable. It felt kinda good, so I pushed it in a bit further, but I lost grip of it and suddenly I was sat in the bath with a shampoo lid stuck up my vagina. I started freaking out, trying to push it out and grab hold of it, but to no avail. I ended up going to my mum in tears and explaining the situation to her. Her face was indescribable: a mixture of humour, disgust, panic, and just a general "Why are you my child?" look. It ended up with my mother fishing the lid out of my vagina with her little finger for five minutes. It really cemented our relationship.

Submitted by Ryan Townsend, Facebook

5. Guacing off

A few years ago I was making guacamole for a BBQ I was invited to. Here in the south we like spicy food, so I added some jalapeño to the guac. I finished the guacamole and had about 30 minutes to spare before I left, so I decided to waste that time by rubbing one out, not realising I hadn’t washed my hands before beginning the act. I was only a minute in when I felt my vagina burning. I mean it felt like someone had dipped my clit into Hades! Needless to say I didn’t make it to the BBQ and decided to take a cold bath and place an ice pack on my crotch.

Submitted by aimeetopaz

6. All tied up

I get off on bondage, so I was lying on the floor of my bedroom partially tied up when my little brother walked in. He then proceeded to have a 10-minute conversation with me while I tried to play it cool. Awkward.

Submitted by katw46e15b743

7. Bloody hell

I was masturbating when I was around 11 or 12 and when I took my hand up out of my bed sheets they were covered with blood. I started my very first period that day and freaked the fuck out. I thought I masturbated wrong and broke my lady parts.

Submitted by jtblckhrt

8. The long arm of the law

Back in college I was going to meet up with some of my friends but I didn’t feel like walking there. I walked into my roommate's room to ask her for a ride and I saw her masturbating while watching Law and Order SVU.

Submitted by veronican4bc1b2997

9. Wet dream

When I still lived with my parents I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom masturbating after my shower. It was about midnight and my mum stumbled in half-asleep only to see me stark naked and completely caught in the act. She stumbled out without saying anything and mentioned the next morning that she’d had a weird dream.

Submitted by slightlycrazy06

10. Studying hard

There was this kid in my art class who put his folder up and put his hand underneath the desk. I thought it was a little strange and shrugged it off. A few minutes later, the student body president stood up and told him to go to the bathroom. He started crying and ran out the classroom and his jizz got on a few kids. The teacher never noticed until after they started screaming.

Submitted by induzirei

11. Sick note

I called in sick to school in seventh grade. I masturbated 14 times in about four hours. I literally rubbed myself until I was bleeding. My mom took me to the ER. I was just really horny.

Submitted by cattlechestnut

12. Sharing the love

I was visiting my old roommate in Florida over Thanksgiving. Earlier that night, I had been hardcore sexting with a new guy back home and it got me feeling really horny. When we got back from getting dinner really late, I decided to have a masturbating/porn viewing session in the guest room to ease all the sexual thoughts from earlier. As I turn on the raunchiest porn, my iPad says, “Your iPad is now streaming via Apple TV.” I freak out and everything in the house goes quiet. My roommate had been watching TV when it was suddenly plastered with raunchy porn.

Submitted by caitys48d7fe608

13. Take your time

So I was masturbating in my room and all of a sudden my grandma walks in. She just kinda stared at me for a second, but it felt like forever, and says, “Oh sorry, take your time,” then walks out. We've never brought it up or spoken about it since.

Submitted by justcallnephil

14. Good manners

My friends have this really weird ability to call me right when I’m mid-jerk and they’ll ask “What are you up to?” so I just straight up say “jerking off”. The inevitable “why did you answer the phone?” comes up and well, I mean, you called didn’t you? I didn’t want to be rude.

Submitted by highwayman

15. Home movies

Sometime around 2003 or 2004 we had a video recorder. Ya know, back before cell phones were cool. So for some ungodly reason I decided to videotape my session, and that was the end of that. Anyway, fast forward to 2013 and my wife surprises me and my family for a special occasion with videos of my best friend and I. Cut in the middle of the video of my best friend and I having fun to me rubbing myself through my gym shorts saying some super weird shit to the camera before whipping it out and stroking it on home video. My poor mom freaks out and tries to turn it off but ends up hitting fast forward, so I’m double-timing myself. I have never gotten out of a house so fast in my life.

Submitted by seththomasa

16. Bad hair day

Three words: Hair. Removal. Lotion.

Submitted by ryanf4094c5b04

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