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    29 Tweets That Are As Funny As They Are Clever

    "Help I'm covered in chameleons & no one believes me."


    [At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.


    LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack



    Genie: what is your first wish Joe: i want to be rich Genie: granted. and what is your second wish Rich: i want lots of money


    help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me


    [ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"


    I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t


    [Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M


    u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same


    beware diet advice that recommends "eating light," for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole


    I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.


    ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.


    *holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster


    [Pollock family game night] Jackson: K who's gonna be my partner for Pictionary -- Mom: Not it Dad: Not it Sis: Not it Gramma: DAMN IT


    firemen keep harvesting my cat tree


    *knock on door* “Sir have you found Jesus?” Uh, no. Goodbye. *shuts door* *Jesus steps out from behind door with gun* Good answer


    date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist


    People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.


    [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."


    JIM: I've got an idea. Let's call this place "Jimadelphia" [PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]


    FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend ME: generic excuse FRIEND: did u just say "generic excuse"


    Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place


    Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?


    If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did


    Vet: your horse is lame. Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine? Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave.


    Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called "Für Elise” Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U


    Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.


    If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I'd pick the dead guy. Then I'd order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He's dead


    {Commercial for Floors} Is this you? {footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

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