“Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.”
“‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.”
“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”
“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.”
“It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”
“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’”
“Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”
“What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.”
“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”
“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
“Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
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