61 Thoughts I Had After I Moved From The US To Germany

So many things nobody told me before I moved here.

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1. The first floor is the Erdgeschoss and the second floor is the first floor and this makes my head hurt.

2. There are Aldi people and then there are Lidl people and there are no compromises.

3. Bavaria is basically Germany’s Texas minus the guns.

4. VPNs are life.

5. You can get 25 years in prison for vacuuming on Sunday. (According to my neighbor Florian.)

6. What do you mean I have to pay for f&(&(/$ water in the restaurant?!

7. When someone you know hates you, they can take away the ‘Du’ and hit you with a big fat ‘Sie’.

8. I enjoy driving fast, but god damn. You guys are out of your minds!

9. No air conditioners at home! We’re all gonna die!

10. You have a German version of Pornhub?! Wow.

11. When scientists unlocked German DNA, they unsurprisingly discovered brown bread and butter.

12. So the legend that one can go to an emergency room without going broke is true!

13. Why don’t we have Haftpflichtversicherung in the States? Because that would be too awesome, that’s why.

14. I would give my left kidney for a food truck to move to my hood.

15. Follow-up meetings about how to have fewer meetings are real.

16. Kaffee und Kuchen seems to be the most important meal of the day.

17. God, if you really are there... give me a sign and show me a good bagel place.

18. The Germans allow nipples on daytime TV!

19. I miss the pharmaceutical drug commercials that list every side effect and way it can kill you before telling you to “Consult your doctor to see if it’s right for you.”

20. Fact: 97% of Americans can tell you how any Tatort episode ends within the first 3 minutes and all without speaking any German.

21. Who cares if it's red? There are no cars coming! Just cross the f***ng street!

22. I miss Costco more than my Dad. :(

23. So... this is where one hit wonders in America and the UK go to die.

24. Dogs are allowed in restaurants? And I don't have to worry about a fine?

25. "I can call off sick from work and not worry about getting fired!" *cries tears of joy*

26. “What kind of sick people leave the eggs out of the refrigerator!”- me during my first week at Rewe. (All eggs are refrigerated in America)

27. Call the Police in NYC: In 30 seconds 6 squad cars roll up, guns out, screaming: “EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND!” - Call the police in Frankfurt: We are too busy at the moment. Please call again later. "

28. In a fictional celebrity death match, Law and Order SUV could take out all the Tatort detectives simultaneously without breaking a sweat.

29. Let me get this straight... you have to pay a tax for crappy TV and radio that I will never watch or listen to?

30. Good news. I’m starting a Kickstarter to import more cows to Germany so I don’t have to go broke buying steak! It’s waaaay to expensive.

31. So prostitution is seen as just a job, and not a crime - this is all so strange because prostitution is a crime in every US state except Nevada.

32. GEMA is as useful as a swift kick in the ass.

33. I can drink beer in public without brown-bagging it? WTF

34. I had a panic attack and almost died after finding out all the stores were closed on Sunday. No joke.

35. Oh so I am a 'Bekannter' and not a 'Freund'! Oh really! Well F/&( YOU VERY MUCH!

36. “Stop asking me how they celebrate Thanksgiving here MOM! The Germans never had Pilgrims!”

37. Fasching = FEAR

38. A part of my soul collapsed and died when the butcher looked at me in bewilderment after telling me you can’t get skirt and hanger steak in Germany.

39. Everyone knows where the best döner kebab is and they are all wrong. My guy is the best.

40. The road rage here leaves a lot to be desired. I need more anger, more middle fingers, more curses GOD DAMN IT!

41. “Customer service? What’s that? Never heard of it.”- All German businesses forever.

42. “So you’re telling me I have to pay for heat and electricity that I haven’t used yet in ADVANCE… and that you’ll give me the money back that I didn’t use by the end of the year?… HAHAHAHA!” - me on the phone with my utility company. (In America, you pay for what you use, and if you front money, the utilities would NEVER give it back.)

43. Who wears a better man bun? Hipsters in Brooklyn or Neukölln? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

44. I used to think being the President of the United States was the toughest job in the world. That was until I saw a German comedian perform. Tough crowd.

45. Late at night, when it gets real quiet, I softly weep for an Italian cold cut hero from a real deal Italian deli.

46. Germans have Rap music! Get the f(&% out of here! (smh)

47. Apfelwein = diarrhea

48. Bicycles must be ridden at all times. Even in blizzards. So it is written.

49. ICE bends Amtrak over the table, spanks it ruthlessly, and screams, “Who is your daddy!”

50. The movie is only 2.5 hours long. Do you really need an intermission? If you can’t hold it, wear diapers.

51. I’ll have more luck finding Bigfoot than a good chopped salad to go.

52. Small talk in Germany is met with confusion and fear.

53. Stop stealing Santa Claus’s limelight Christkind! You evil alien bitch!

54. Schmalz + bread = greatest drunk food ever.

55. I thought Apple products were already expensive…and then I moved here.

56. Your political parties don’t hate each other enough! That is sooo boring.

57. Going to the bathroom is a privilege not a right. You pay to pee in Germany? Wow.

58. Schlager music is just like country music in that they are both awful.

59. Everything gets recycled. Even the freaking glass is sorted by color! In New York, they take all the trash, ship it to New Jersey, and bury it. I am so ashamed.

60. You are actually complaining about paying 300 Euros a semester for uni!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! (dies laughing)

61. "Dear Taco Place in NYC that serves real deal Mexican,
I miss you. Do you deliver to Germany?
Nothing but kisses.
Write soon.
Love,
Jim"