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    Breaking Into Online Dating

    As Told By Stranger Things

    So you've been single for... awhile.


    Your friends begin to express their concerns...


    "You should try the online thing. It'll be great."

    ... and their testimonials of your personality at the bar have gotten really passionate.


    They have such a way with words.

    So, you download an app.


    "Snap judgements based on five photos? SIGN ME UP."

    You enter the swiping spiral.


    "What year is it? My thumbs are numb."

    Receiving your first nude


    "This is nothing like 'Pretty Woman'."

    That's when the first wave of messages pours in


    "Hey. Hi. Sup. Hey QT. Nice dog. Yo. Cute face. Pretty Smile."

    Lo and behold, you find a potential suitor.


    "He's got a Bachelor's, all his teeth, and a dog. We can work with this."

    You ask your friends for helpful pointers pre-date


    "Jeans are supposed to be tight these days, right?"

    You drop your location to your friends right before the date


    "I've forwarded my cutest selfies to all of you in case you need to send out an Amber Alert."

    Meeting him in public on the first date


    "Please look like your pictures, please look like your pictures."

    He cuts right to the chase and asks how long you've been single


    *nervous laugh* "Only like one dog year."

    ...but that's when the conversation begins to turn dull


    "Yeah It's been a really hot summer."

    The focus unavoidably shifts to your food


    "Sweet deep fryer, you will never let me down."

    You text a friend from the bathroom


    "It's a war zone out here. I finished the breadbasket alone. I've forgotten his name."

    That's when he mentions what a future he can see with you


    "I am allergic to everything I just ate, I need to leave."

    You try to appropriately respond to his request for a second date


    "Yeah, I'm free during the next Blood Moon."

    Leaving the date and stopping for the only thing that will soothe your broken soul


    "I swipe right to food."

    Replaying the night to your friends


    "I felt like the cello player on the Titanic."

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