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The 23 Stages Of Seeing The New Transformers Movie

From someone who wishes they could get those 2 hours and 45 minutes back.

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1. The movie begins. Mark Whalberg invades your pupils, and despite your knowledge of how long this movie is going to be, you think that his piercing stare and incredible arms will be more than enough to get you through the experience.

Those arms doe.
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Those arms doe.

2. Of course, your confidence wanes rather quickly when you realize that he's supposed to play Nicole Peltz's father. Really, casting director?

You feel like you're being messed with, like you're a participant in some weird Freudian experiment, because in the back of your mind you wonder, "Why do I keep thinking they're a couple?"
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You feel like you're being messed with, like you're a participant in some weird Freudian experiment, because in the back of your mind you wonder, "Why do I keep thinking they're a couple?"

3. Then out of nowhere...

4.

5.

6. The first 3 minutes of action are pretty cool, but after 40 you're like...

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How did we get to this point??

7. Meanwhile, the ten-year-olds surrounding you are like...

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Why are there only ten-year-olds here?

8. And then suddenly...

YES. RESOLUTION! And the concerning return of even more Freudian musings. When did Nicole Peltz get a boyfriend? Why does this movie feature what appears to be some sort of sick love triangle? But you don't reflect on these questions too much because you've just been through a lot.
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YES. RESOLUTION! And the concerning return of even more Freudian musings. When did Nicole Peltz get a boyfriend? Why does this movie feature what appears to be some sort of sick love triangle? But you don't reflect on these questions too much because you've just been through a lot.

9. Anyway, since its been at least 90 minutes and the action seems to have ended, you naturally begin getting your stuff together to leave.

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But the dialogue continues. Nicole Peltz is still crying about something. You know in your heart of hearts that this is not over.

10.

11.

12.

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WHY?????????????

13. Your heart is broken, but since you paid to put yourself through this, you deal with it. You tell yourself that you have to watch. It's probably almost over anyway.

14. HA! NOPE! They go to CHINA. Mark Whalberg, how did you end up in China?

You ask this question in a state of delirium. You feel he may actually respond. Meanwhile, the people to your left and right give you a side glance. Maybe you didn't ask that question in your head like you thought.
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You ask this question in a state of delirium. You feel he may actually respond. Meanwhile, the people to your left and right give you a side glance. Maybe you didn't ask that question in your head like you thought.

15. You're angry with him, but only for a moment, because obviously.

GASP.

16. This guy is the main reason for your misery anyway.

Never again, Michael Bay.
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Never again, Michael Bay.

17. You also realize that you should have known better. It's not like you LOVED the other movies.

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Megan Fox and Shia Labeouf were not exactly a dream team.

18. BTW the movie is still happening.

19. Dinobots? You were kind of excited about those dinobots, but not anymore.

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How they included these in the storyline you are unable to figure out.

20. You begin to fall asleep, which you feel is grounds for an award because holy crap do they have the volume turned up.

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Your eardrums, like the transformers, are on the brink of extinction.

21. But you snap out of it. There's applause. The movie is over and suddenly you are filled with the Holy Spirit.

22. You engage in brief calisthenics. You have been sitting for much too long.

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You also are so happy you cannot help but break out in a little impromptu dancing.

23. Of course, you will forever know that this experience has changed you. You reach for the wine.

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And think about how coping with "How was the movie?" questions will forever be an exercise in patience.

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