1. The movie begins. Mark Whalberg invades your pupils, and despite your knowledge of how long this movie is going to be, you think that his piercing stare and incredible arms will be more than enough to get you through the experience.
2. Of course, your confidence wanes rather quickly when you realize that he's supposed to play Nicole Peltz's father. Really, casting director?
3. Then out of nowhere...
6. The first 3 minutes of action are pretty cool, but after 40 you're like...
7. Meanwhile, the ten-year-olds surrounding you are like...
8. And then suddenly...
9. Anyway, since its been at least 90 minutes and the action seems to have ended, you naturally begin getting your stuff together to leave.
13. Your heart is broken, but since you paid to put yourself through this, you deal with it. You tell yourself that you have to watch. It's probably almost over anyway.
14. HA! NOPE! They go to CHINA. Mark Whalberg, how did you end up in China?
15. You're angry with him, but only for a moment, because obviously.
16. This guy is the main reason for your misery anyway.
17. You also realize that you should have known better. It's not like you LOVED the other movies.
18. BTW the movie is still happening.
19. Dinobots? You were kind of excited about those dinobots, but not anymore.
20. You begin to fall asleep, which you feel is grounds for an award because holy crap do they have the volume turned up.
21. But you snap out of it. There's applause. The movie is over and suddenly you are filled with the Holy Spirit.
22. You engage in brief calisthenics. You have been sitting for much too long.
23. Of course, you will forever know that this experience has changed you. You reach for the wine.
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