1. The show begins on Saturday, Sept. 3, 1952.
2. And it will give you a new respect for milk men.
3. A matricide will set the plot into motion.
4. Jessica Lange — as the woman at the helm of the Cabinet of Curiosities, Elsa Mars — can really rock a uniform because she is Jessica Lange.
5. But you may initially be confused by her German accent.
6. You will see Evan Peters, as Jimmy Darling, in a leather newsboy cap.
7. You will be terrified to go on a picnic ever again.
8. Expect an Asylum reference.
9. And totally fabulous diva-esque lines like, "Oh, darling. Stars never pay."
10. Ladies, you will never look at lobster claws the same way.
11. Or Flipper.
12. You will wonder exactly how many things conjoined twins Bette and Dot Tattler (Sarah Paulson) share.
13. And then you will regret letting your mind wander there.
14. There will be some serious bitch slaps.
15. And there will be Jessica Lange in a tie. Which she can also rock because she is Jessica Lange.
16. You will learn that "the bigger the star, the bigger the tent" is not a euphemism.
17. There is a similarity to Gone Girl.
18. You may not be able to eat chicken for a while.
19. There is double the Pepper.
20. You will see the scariest sex tape of all time.
21. There are some seriously complicated mother-son relationships.
22. And one character has more daddy issues than he realizes.
23. There is a whole lot of stabbing.
24. The body count in the first two episodes climbs to nearly 10.
25. Elsa's last name Mars hints at the musical number in the premiere.
26. Lange's and Frances Conroy's characters are feuding almost as much as they did in Coven.
27. You will learn that "monsters" is apparently the preferred term to "freaks," according to Elsa.
28. A robot toy will scare the shit out of you.
29. And you have never seen a mouth like the one on Twisty.
30. You won't meet Michael Chiklis' Dell Toledo and Angela Bassett's Desiree Dupree until Episode 2.
31. And you won't meet Emma Roberts' Maggie Esmerelda in the first two episodes.
32. Or Denis O'Hare's Stanley.
33. Or Wes Bentley's Eddie Mordrake, who will appear only in the third and fourth episodes.
34. "Girls smell like cows" will be the new mantra of boys everywhere.
35. You will see the world's fanciest baby bottle.
36. Dandy will give all controlling mothers nightmares.
37. You will learn that caramel corn is a serious point of contention.
38. Kathy Bates will quote Gotye.
39. Also, Desiree has more secret appendages than a third boob.
40. You will wonder how bad Twisty smells.
41. Playing pingpong will forever be tainted for you.
42. "Meatloaf" will be your favorite new Pepper catchphrase.
43. What Bette and Dot "need is a good defense."
44. The performance in the second episode is a cover from a singer who shares a name with a Coven character.
45. This might be the most musical season of American Horror Story yet.
46. You will learn the origins of "meep" — and it will make you cry.