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11 Dumbest Things About "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets"

Re-watch "Chamber of Secrets" and you'll realize that it's easily the flimsiest of all the Potter films . All of these observations of dumb shit are with regards to the movie.

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1. Harry says “diagonully!” like a moron in the fireplace.

2. Everything that happens to Harry involving Knockturn Alley is ridiculous.

Even though whatever the shit he said sounded WAY closer to “Diagon Alley” than “Knockturn Alley” (no “k” sounds anywhere in there) Harry somehow ends up in the objectively evil alley which somehow exists and no one has decided to clean up or renovate. And then a swarm of hobos surround him (to…. kill him? rob him of the zero valuables he has on him?) before Hagrid Ex Machina comes to his aid.

Even though whatever the shit he said sounded WAY closer to “Diagon Alley” than “Knockturn Alley” (no “k” sounds anywhere in there) Harry somehow ends up in the objectively evil alley which somehow exists and no one has decided to clean up or renovate. And then a swarm of hobos surround him (to…. kill him? rob him of the zero valuables he has on him?) before Hagrid Ex Machina comes to his aid.

3. Hermione uses magic to repair Harry’s glasses while being underaged totally breaking some rules.

4. Taking the flying car makes zero sense, even in a magical universe.

The wall to platform 9 and 3/4 is closed. It's not like Ron’s parents are right there on the other side, going to come back out in thirty seconds. Let’s just steal their fucking car with the keys they must have given to their twelve year old child and fly it out to meet the train somehow. Also, guess Molly and Arthur aren’t driving home now.
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The wall to platform 9 and 3/4 is closed. It's not like Ron’s parents are right there on the other side, going to come back out in thirty seconds. Let’s just steal their fucking car with the keys they must have given to their twelve year old child and fly it out to meet the train somehow. Also, guess Molly and Arthur aren’t driving home now.

5. The chamber opened 50 years ago and no one except a 12 year old girl realizes that VOLDEMORT happened to be a student there at the time?

6. How do people still think Hagrid was the one who opened the Chamber the first time?

They STILL blame Hagrid? Did no one examine Moaning Myrte’s body and realize she wasn’t killed by a giant spider? What kind of magical coroners can’t tell the difference between a death by basilisk and a death by spider?
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They STILL blame Hagrid? Did no one examine Moaning Myrte’s body and realize she wasn’t killed by a giant spider? What kind of magical coroners can’t tell the difference between a death by basilisk and a death by spider?

7. Also, Hagrid isn’t even pureblood, so this is all some really shitty detective work.

8. Visiting Aragog proves nothing.

Let me get this straight. The entire point of the “follow the spiders” subplot is so Harry and Ron go see Aragog to find out that he’s not the monster in the castle. But.. hold on. He didn’t prove anything. Aragog just said, “I didn’t kill that girl.” And Harry’s like, oh cool, guess because you said that, you’re innocent. And then the spider tries to kill them! So instead of proving his innocence, Hagrid just confirmed that his giant spider is still alive and totally cool with killing students.
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Let me get this straight. The entire point of the “follow the spiders” subplot is so Harry and Ron go see Aragog to find out that he’s not the monster in the castle. But.. hold on. He didn’t prove anything. Aragog just said, “I didn’t kill that girl.” And Harry’s like, oh cool, guess because you said that, you’re innocent. And then the spider tries to kill them! So instead of proving his innocence, Hagrid just confirmed that his giant spider is still alive and totally cool with killing students.

9. The teachers are all incompetent.

McGonagall thinks this is the “end of Hogwarts”? Not to diminish the tragedy of three students and a cat being temporarily paralyzed, but you’re going to shut down the entire school FOREVER? For a little perspective, when Voldemort actually returned, from book 4 on, the school was still open. But someone’s writing on the wall with blood, so we better skedattle. Is this a school for wizards or an episode of Scooby Doo?
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McGonagall thinks this is the “end of Hogwarts”? Not to diminish the tragedy of three students and a cat being temporarily paralyzed, but you’re going to shut down the entire school FOREVER? For a little perspective, when Voldemort actually returned, from book 4 on, the school was still open. But someone’s writing on the wall with blood, so we better skedattle. Is this a school for wizards or an episode of Scooby Doo?

10. Gilderoy Lockhart is terrible at keeping his most important secret.

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Lockhart just admits outright that his entire career and reputation is a fraud? To two twelve-year-old students? They didn’t even trick him - he was just totally happy to tell them everything with the smallest prodding and then he was 100% prepared to do brain damage on them. Good thing he was scared of two twelve-year-olds holding up wands.

11. Weren’t the other founders a little creeped out by Salazer Slytherin spending so much time in the girl’s bathroom during the construction period of the castle?

It's a pretty extensive cave down there. It must have taken a while to design.
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It's a pretty extensive cave down there. It must have taken a while to design.

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