18 Questionable Things You’ve Probably Heard If You’re A Black Woman And You’re Dating
*Cries in melanin*
I’m sure we can all agree that dating can be challenging, if not a little tedious, at times. However, when dating as a Black woman in a very white world, you also find yourself at the receiving end of some *interesting* comments from time to time.
Here are some I’ve heard over the years that have seriously made me question my faith in the entire dating game...
“You’re so pretty for a Black girl”
Up first is everyone’s favourite backhanded compliment. It’s slightly concerning the number of times I’ve been told that I'm ‘pretty for a Black girl’ or that essentially, I’m attractive
in spite of my race. Imagine genuinely going through life believing that Black women aren’t attractive and then emphasising that as your chat-up line – it’s the audacity for me.
“I don’t date Black women”
A quintessential part of the Black British experience is wondering whether the person you’re interested in actually dates people of your race. We’ve all been there, we’ve found the one, planned the whole imaginary wedding, and later found out they don’t date Black people… A moment of silence for all the relationships that could’ve been if it wasn’t for the problematic racial dating preferences that are ever-present in the UK.
“I only date lightskins”
NBC / Peacock
Colourism is alive and well ladies and gentlemen. It never fails to stop you in your tracks when someone writes you off because of your skin tone. Yes, we all have types, but to unashamedly dismiss all dark skinned women feels borderline discriminatory, if not a little arrogant. I’m all for this #NoFilter lifestyle, but a little discretion goes a long way.
“I’ve never been with a Black person before”
While there is a first time for everything, announcing that you’ve never been with a Black person before is a little sus. Would you like some moral support for your first time? Or are you excited at the thought of being able to tick the experience off the old bucket list? Either way, this statement is based on the absurd idea that all Black people are the same, when in reality we are a wonderfully heterogeneous group.
“I have a thing for Black women”
Don’t be fooled – this is racial fetishisation disguised as a compliment. It may seem harmless, but it is a form of racism in itself. Having ‘a thing for Black women’ is another way of saying that your attraction is based solely on skin colour, as opposed to our individual attributes or personalities. It also implies that our skin is some sort of kink or guilty pleasure which again, is not a compliment. You know how people say they're ‘really into feet’? Same energy.
“I love a bit of chocolate”
You better be referring to Cadburys because I am a human being, not some confectionary. Both fetishisation and objectification in one – what a time to be alive. To make it clear, this
jungle fever mentality that homogenises Black women and completely strips us of any individuality isn’t remotely flattering, it’s insulting.
“I love your skin”
This one gives me strong Hannibal Lecter,
The Human Centipede, Get Out vibes. Let’s leave this line in 2020 and never look back.
“You look so exotic”
Cocktails are exotic, mangos are exotic, a woman from North West London – not so much. Whether intentional or not, the undertones of this word are extremely derogatory. It is often used to describe women of colour, and suggests that we are foreign or unusual looking in comparison to our white counterparts. And who said romance was dead?
"No, but where are you really from?”
You’d think that I would be the most knowledgeable person when it comes to my own heritage, but people really beg to differ. There’s nothing more frustrating than having to convince someone of your background simply because you don’t fit into their stereotypical view of the world. Maybe I should keep my birth certificate to hand from now on or better yet, I’ll start working on a family tree – that should clear things right up.
“My Nubian queen”
If the Nubian region is located in Northeast Africa and I’m from West Africa, how does that make me a Nubian queen? Africa isn’t one giant country, nor are we all part of one giant tribe, so please do your research before using such a term.
“I want mixed babies”
So we’ve moved on from the fetishisation of Black women to the fetishisation of mixed-heritage babies... Wonderful. The obsession with racial ambiguity in this society is truly concerning and just to clarify, my sole purpose in life is not to give birth to children, mixed or otherwise. Thank you, next.
“Once you go Black…”
There are infinite ways to finish this sentence and pretty much all of them homogenise and hypersexualise Black people, so please spare us both the awkwardness and avoid this phrase at all costs.
“I don’t see colour”
Turns out it only takes four words and fourteen letters to end a date. If you don’t see colour, then you don’t see the racism, discrimination, and prejudice that people of colour face every single day and respectfully, ain’t nobody got time for that.
“Can you twerk?”
NBC / Peacock
Contrary to popular belief, not all Black women rolled out of the womb twerking. And while we’re on the topic, we weren’t all gifted with Megan Thee Stallion knees either...
“Can I play with your hair?”
Alexa, play "Don’t Touch My Hair" by Solange... We get it, you want to be affectionate but our hair was not made for that lifestyle. If you try and run your fingers through our hair, there is a very real possibility that you’ll find yourself in an entanglement (and
not the good kind).
On behalf of all Black women, please stop mimicking our vernacular. It's not attractive or charming in any way. If anything, it gives us second hand embarrassment and/or the ick.
“I love *insert the name of literally any Black rapper here*”
We get it, you know every single word to "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar, congrats. Repeatedly stressing that you listen to Black artists isn’t necessary, just let your Spotify Wrapped do the talking.
Don't forget to share any questionable things you've heard while dating in the comments!
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