1. Set all the clocks in the house 10 minutes fast.
Old black people, when y’all set that clock ahead 10 minutes faster, Did it really help you get to where you had to go, faster? Or did you just complicate things?
When tardiness has you in a chokehold (as it does with most Black parents), sometimes it’s necessary to think of creative ways to improve your punctuality, and apparently for our parents, that means setting all the clocks at least 10 minutes fast. However, instead of tricking themselves into being perpetually early, everyone in the house just ends up perpetually confused.
2. ...And still end up late to absolutely everything.
Black people time = an hr late
If there’s one thing you can guarantee, it’s that Black parents are going to be unashamedly late to pretty much everything — unless they’re going to the airport, then they’ll arrive three to five business days early.
3. Leave the TV and lights on when they go out to prevent burglaries.
Do your parents leave the lights on when you go out to stop robbers or are you normal?
Because a well-lit hallway and a family-friendly TV show is the perfect way to deter thieves, right?
4. Blast music on Saturday mornings to notify you that it's time to start your chores.
when black parents play gospel music in the am you know its clean up time 😂
And if it wasn’t gospel music, it was probably old school R&B that was being blasted at full volume throughout the entire house. Back in the day, this felt like a gross injustice, but now that I’ve experienced the iPhone alarm clock and all the stress that comes with it, I can appreciate this call to action a little more.
5. Bring their own Tupperware to get-togethers.
6. Forward every single chain message they receive.
No one loves chain messages like black parents.
Black parents are sure as hell not going to risk getting five years bad luck, so you better believe they’re going to forward each and every chain message that comes their way.
7. ...And believe everything they read on WhatsApp.
Black parents. Feed them any lie in a whatsapp broadcast message and it’s law, like Moses coming down from the mountain with two iPads. Black parents swear by the gospel of whatsapp broacast messages.
Trying to convince Black parents that WhatsApp isn’t a reliable source is like trying to get blood out of a stone. In our parents' eyes, WhatsApp is right up there with the word of God itself.
8. Hoard all the plastic containers they come across.
There is a deep and profound spiritual bondage between black people and ice cream containers 🙏🏽
It’s all fun and games until you find Flora containers full of gravy, ice cream tubs full of stew, and biscuit tins full of sewing equipment... Say what you like about Black parents, but they are a resourceful bunch.
9. Recommend ginger and lemon tea for all ailments.
10. And a daily dose of cod liver oil to boost the immune system.
Ya parents made you drink a spoonful of cod liver oil in the morning or are you normal?
Do you really have Black parents if you weren’t forced to take a shot cod liver oil every morning before school? I don’t know what was worse, the incredibly foul taste or the fact that you smelled like the inside of a fishmonger for several hours.
11. Aggressively bang the remote instead of just changing the batteries.
Black people don’t change the remote battery—we slap it til it behave itself.
And when it’s finally time to admit defeat, chances are they’ll swap out the batteries from another device before actually buying new ones!
12. Call you by your full name when you’re in trouble.
normal heart rate: ⠀ /\⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ /\ __ / \ __/\__ / \ _ \/⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ \/ heart rate when black parents call you by your full name ⠀/\⠀ /\⠀ /\ _/ \ /\_/ \ /\_/ \ /\_ ⠀ \/⠀⠀ \/⠀⠀ \/
You know you’ve royally fucked up when your parents use your entire government name. It’s a very humbling experience.
13. Or simply give you the look when you’re misbehaving.
14. Have a strong aversion to apologies.
“Come eat “ https://t.co/QKY7dBLB2R
Black parents and apologies do not go hand in hand. So if they owe you an apology, it will likely come in the form of your favorite home-cooked meal, if that.
15. Gift you random household items for Christmas.
*Black parents during November* "guys I need some more toothpaste and body wash" Black parents: "Okay, it will be a part of your Christmas though"
There’s nothing like rummaging through your Christmas stocking to find shower gel, mouthwash, and deodorant. Who knew Santa Claus was such a practical man?
16. Accidentally call you by your siblings' names.
17. Refuse to throw away the toothpaste until every last drop has been used.
How white people finish toothpaste vs how black people finish it.
Black parents know a thing or two about getting their money’s worth, and that includes not throwing away the toothpaste until it’s literally been ripped to shreds. If we’re being really honest, I think there’s a good chance that our parents invented the phrase: "Waste not, want not."
18. Say things like “put it on my head” and “you got McDonalds money?” when you ask a silly question.
Black parents have the most unnecessary yet hilarious comebacks for no reason. Like I be torn between running away or laughing fam 😂😂
There must be a Black parent’s handbook with a list full of witty comebacks for them to choose from because there’s no way they’re coming up with these creative responses on the fly.
19. Gossip like there’s no tomorrow.
