30 Things That Would Happen If “Riverdale” Was British

    Ah the epic highs and lows of sixth form rugby…

    If everyone's favourite teen drama was set in the UK, it would probably look a little something like this…

    1. Forget Pop's Chock’lit Shoppe, they’d spend the majority of their time at a local greasy spoon cafe.

    2. And instead of french fries, they’d feast on full English breakfasts, cheesy chips, sausage rolls, and lots and lots of tea.

    3. A-Levels are pretty time-consuming so they’d probably spend a little less time hunting down Gargoyle Kings and a little more time trying to understand trigonometry.

    4. The Vixens would be an undefeated netball team with Cheryl as their captain.

    5. And Archie would lead the Riverdale Bulldogs – a competitive (and ridiculously laddy) rugby team.

    6. He’d give an inspirational speech on Founder’s Day about the epic highs and lows of sixth form rugby.

    7. Jughead would still be a literature enthusiast but instead of writing a novel, he’d write a weekly column for The Guardian keeping the town up to date with the latest scandals.

    8. And he’d probably have a couple of Shakespeare tattoos.

    9. They’d have a pretty bleak school uniform, so the Vixens would roll their skirts up and unbutton their shirts in an attempt to make them more fashionable.

    10. And after countless uniform violations, Cheryl would come to school in red lingerie and burn her school uniform as a form of protest.

    11. Josie and the Pussycats would be the lead vocalists in the school’s swing band.

    12. But after not getting the recognition she’d hoped for, Josie would transfer to The BRIT School.

    13. Archie’s short-lived musical endeavour on the other hand, would involve lots of questionable Oasis covers.

    14. Cheryl and Veronica would fight to the death to become head girl and Cheryl would win by just a few votes.

    15. To keep herself busy after the loss, Veronica would start hosting underground drum and bass raves. There’d always be plenty of snakebites, Glen’s Vodka, and Lambrini to go around.

    16. The musical episodes would involve tributes to the best of British music, including; The Beatles, Amy Winehouse, and of course, Stormzy.

    17. Instead of trialing his Fizzle Rocks on the patients at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, Hiram Lodge would test his psychedelics on teens heading to Glastonbury.

    18. And Edgar Evernever would still be the leader of a cult but he’d be played by a British heartthrob – most likely Aaron Taylor Johnson or Robert Pattinson.

    19. Despite all the drugs in circulation, the students would definitely smoke cigarettes outside the school gates – this is Britain after all.

    20. Dark Betty would make a surprise appearance at the school talent show. She’d do a striptease to a Spice Girls number and get suspended for a week.

    21. And Archie wouldn’t be mauled by a bear, he’d be brutally attacked by a flock of pigeons.

    22. The Coopers would end up on The Jeremy Kyle Show and Jeremy Kyle himself would reveal that Chic is, in fact, not Betty’s half-brother.

    23. Due to all the scandalous hookups, there’d be a new teen pregnancy every other month. So the school would ramp up their sex education i.e. putting more condoms on bananas…

    24. And the Blossoms wouldn’t produce maple syrup, they’d be the sole suppliers of PG Tips tea bags. However, this would be a cover for their illicit drug smuggling business.

    25. Instead of leather jackets, the Southside Serpents would don North Face puffer jackets.

    26. Initiations into the gang would include singing "God Save The Queen", chugging a pint of Carlsberg upside down, and swimming naked in the River Thames.

    27. Jughead wouldn’t wear a beanie, he'd wear a bucket hat.

    28. And he’d never live that “I’m a weirdo” speech down. There is absolutely no way that would fly in the UK and he would be bullied until his very last day of school because of it.

    29. Archie would be sent to jail after being wrongfully arrested and the Vixens would sing “Fight For This Love” outside the gates to cheer him up.

    30. And let’s be honest, if Riverdale was set in the UK, the school would inevitably be shut down by Ofsted.