10 Steps To Surviving Valentines Day For The Single Male

You don’t care about Valentines’ do you? It’s for wimps, right? So, why do you stop when you get to Love Actually on your Sky remote having worryingly seen it before. Hollywood, much like the eligible females, have overlooked the sensitive male, but worry not. Here are ten tips to get you through the longest day of the year.

Step 1: Pull a Sickie

This is no day for work and small talk. Working and moping are not a good mix. Yes, that’s right, there will be moping but for God’s sake don’t let your colleagues see you. Only so many grandparents can conveniently die on this day every year and explain your miserable face. If they keep a record, you’re in trouble.

Step 2: Turn off your Phone

Step 6 should help explain this one. When step 2 and step 6 mix, it does not make for a good combination. Let’s just say a few years ago I had 6 6s and used my 2 to inadvertently tell my aunt things she should never hear from her nephew. Thankfully, last year I dropped my 2 in my 6 and it made for a much better end result.

Step 3: No Social Media

It is the poison in Cupid’s arrow. In fact Cupid doesn't need his arrows anymore. He’s online and he’s got his feet up. You've spent the last 12 months convincing yourself your past conquests have got ugly, fat and their new partners are no way near as manly, funny and attractive a prospect as you. They’re probably richer than you, definitely taller than you and almost certainly having more luck than you on Valentines’ day. Facebook is just the tool to ruin this illusion.

Step 4: Horror Movies

You need to pass the time in your (very) bachelor pad. Horror is the only genre that does not risk seeing people far better off than you. Even the comedies have love elements and the dramas, sex scenes. You don’t get that in Alien and if Sigourney Weaver makes you think about sex and/or romance then I don’t think this guide is for you anyway.

Step 5: Lie to your Friends

Your guy mates will convince you that it’s a great night to go out and meet girls. “They’ll be easy to talk to tonight”, they’ll say. No, they won’t. Keg parties don’t exist, attractive girls don’t suddenly approach you at the end of an hour and a half plot, and your bad dancing is no more endearing today than it normally is. On top of this, they will all disappear with their girlfriends, that they claim not to be under the control of, within an hour.

Step 6: Drink Gin

Misery loves company and from what I have heard none more so than gin.

Step 7: Donate to Charity

Don’t be alarmed this is purely for your benefit. By donating to Africa, for instance, you can convince yourself you are above all this rubbish. There are far more important things going on in the world aren't there? Of course there are. Although, if the AIDS epidemic is anything to go by, even they are getting more sex than you.

Step 8: Embrace your Anger

Irrationally shout at the television, make a list of who irritates you beyond belief and laugh (out loud if you like) at the people at school who were no way near as popular as you. They may well be millionaires by now but thanks to step 3, we've dodged that bullet. It is worth noting, you should destroy the aforementioned note. If something should coincidentally happen to any of them overnight, it won’t look very good for you.

Step 9: Don’t Let Them Win

Sleeping pills and passed out by 8pm? Who do you think you are? Lindsey Lohan? You must stay up all night! In any case, step 4, might make sleeping difficult depending on the severity of your selection.

Step 10: Pray

Not the Take That song. We may be desperate and needy for one day a year but we’re not quite there yet. I mean actual praying to God. Atheist or not, no matter what I have convinced you over the last 9 steps and 24 hours, you do not want to be in this same dismal situation in 12 months time.