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How to Make a 900mm Lens. Or As the Non-photo Buffs Would Call It a "Big Motherfucking Lens"

Spying on your next door neighbour is old fashion and expected. Now I'm just throwing this out there but why not increase your options and check out neighbours over 9 miles away.

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  • Step One: The Lens

    This isn't just any lens, it's a huge lens. This shit don't come cheap either. Lets not get started on how to get it delivered. I once ordered a dog online, you should have seen the condition that UPS delivered it to me in.

  • Step Two: Schematics

    Every smart person has them. And every idiot uses the word to sound smart. Which one would you rather sound like? Thought so. So get yourself some motherfucking schematics or you'll just look like an unprepared retard.

  • Step Three: Steal your neighbours garbage cans

    Why? Because fuck em that's why! They never keep an eye on it anyways and it always end up in your yard or drive way covered in maggots wreaking of shit and more shit. So cut it in pieces, and make it an awesome garbage can lens shield thing. Plus your neighbours won't recognize it anyways.

  • Step Four: Use cork for insulation and post its

    I personally hate it when I'm about to take a picture and I leave my metre-wide lens cap on. I really should leave a note for myself. This by far is my favorite mod of this whole motherfucking lens. Leica and suck my dick!

  • Step Five: Macify that shit

    If there's one thing Steve Jobs frail body has taught me. It's that everything looks better in black. So spray that shit black. Plus it reduces light and shit.

  • Step Six: Paint then Attach that shit

    I highly recommend painting the exterior of the garbage can solely for the purpose of your neighbour not losing their shit over that thing about you stealing their garage can so that you can view side-boob from 9 miles away. However if your neighbour is a douchebag I suggest not giving a fuck and skip to the next step.

  • Step Seven: Understand what an aperture is because I sure as fuck don't

    See this thing here? That's an aperture, it is required. Nuff said. Next step! Side boob here comes my semi!

  • Step Eight: Lock your door so your Nanna doesn't see you sinning.

    Sin more than when you watch Hannah Montana with the shades drawn.


    Space tits...Space tits