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2 Apr 2020

31 "Harry Potter" Guys Ranked From "Pass" To "Please Slytherin To My Bed"

Accio glass of water.

by , ,

31. Peter Pettigrew

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Isha: Let's put it this way — if Peter Pettigrew was the last guy on Earth, I still wouldn't bang him. He is a rat, through and through. 0/10

Hameda: I might throw Peter a bone if he didn’t ruin our angel Sirius’ life and snitch on James and Lily. But he did, so he’s trash. 0/10

Jules: Worse than death, absolutely not, no way in hell. I would suckle on Moody’s crusty fake eyeball before I got anywhere near Pettigrew. -3/10

Thirst level: -1.0

30. Rubeus Hagrid

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Isha: Look, rejecting Hagrid feels as bad as I imagine kicking a puppy would. But it needs to be done because I am drier than the Sahara Desert here. 2/10

Hameda: As I very much would enjoy my body remaining intact, I will have to give this one a miss. Sorry Haggy, but I’ll give one of your scones a go! 0/10.

Jules: This is a literal death sentence. 0/10.

Thirst level: 0.67

29. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle

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Isha: Blergh! Hard pass on these two mindless characters. Also, wasn't Crabbe later replaced because the guy who played him got into some trouble? 0/10

Hameda: Goyle may be cute now, but who eats a floating cupcake? WHO?! I’m sorry, but I’m not letting that much of a dummy near my cooch. 2/10

Jules: Okay, but Goyle had a serious GLOW UP. Look at this fine slice of pie?! 8/10, would bang. Crabbe on the other hand...um, no thank you. But, also, I feel like they can’t be separated? So maybe he’d have to stand in the corner with a bag over his head. He gets 2/10.

Thirst level: 1.3

28. Percy Weasley

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Isha: Percy always looks like he's got something stuck up his butt. Also, I can't over how HORRIBLY he treated his family. Sorry, not sorry, Perce. 3/10

Hameda: Percy is a real shame to the Weasley name. He and Scabbers can go die in a field together. 0/10

Jules: Percy was the shitest Weasley, apart from film-version Ginny (RIP her characterisation). But there’s really no redeeming qualities here. 2/10

Thirst level: 1.67

27. Argus Filch

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Isha: Mr Filch? You gotta be joking. I can just imagine playing third wheel to him and Mrs Norris, ugh. -1/10

Hameda: For a chance to hang out with Mrs Norris, I might give Filch a little something, something, you know? Don’t pretend you’ve never shown a faux interest in someone because of their pet. 3/10.

Jules: I feel like he’d have a lot of pent up frustration due to his whole ~I’m just a squib, not a real wizard~ struggle and maybeee that would translate into some quality moves in bed? Noh? Just me? I’ll give him a pity 3/10.

Thirst level: 1.67

26. Alastor Moody

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Isha: I feel like Alastor would have been a real hottie in his prime. But as it stands, the magical eye kind of freaks me out. Although, I reckon he would make a great drinking partner. 2/10

Hameda: Look, Moody is a daddy for sure, but maybe not one I’d bang. I would definitely appreciate him though and because of this, he gets 3/10.

Jules: Yeaaahh, I can’t really say he gets my blood boiling. Plus, I feel like he’d just pop his artificial leg off and lie there, not willing to put in the work. 1/10

Thirst level: 2

25. Gilderoy Lockhart

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Isha: I mean, I wouldn't not bang the winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. Plus, he's probably rich because of all the books he's written and his hair is half-decent. 5/10

Hameda: Lockhart is a SNAKE who deserves to be trapped in the Chamber of Secrets until the end of time. No thanks, goodbye sir. 2/10

Jules: Vanity is a big nohhh for me. I feel like he’d be looking into a mirror mid-coitus so he could get off on his own reflection. 3/10.

Thirst level: 3.3

24. Fenrir Greyback

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Isha: I feel like they did werewolves dirty in the entire Harry Potter franchise — as in, they looked 'hella weird in the movies. Granted, I think Fenrir would be able to turn me towards the bad side. 5/10

Hameda: Fenrir in the books? 10/10. Fenrir in the movies? He felt too desperate to me. I mean, you’re a werewolf for god's sake — show a little more dignity. 4/10

Jules: I feel like Fenrir should do it for me, but maybe I also just can’t get past the terrible portrayal of him in the film?? 3/10, not a fan.

Thirst level: 4

23. Lucius Malfoy

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Isha: Lucius? More like Luci-no thank you. I'll give him points for that fancy ass cane though. 2/10

Hameda: I have to give the man points for his sass. But other than that, I’d rather call him dad — not daddy — at mine and Draco’s wedding. 3/10

Jules: See, I gotta disagree, Isha. For me, it’s a big LuciYAASS. Those long, impossibly chic platinum locks? Those crystal blue eyes? That jawline that could cut glass? 8/10!

Thirst level: 4.3

22. Professor Filius Flitwick

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Isha: *Insert Kombucha girl meme here.* But seriously, as the Professor of Charms, I expect he would know how to ~please~ in the bedroom. 4/10

Hameda: As a tall gal, I rarely make any exceptions for partners shorter than me. But for Flitwick and his magic wand, I might be able to look past that. He can wingardium my leviosa at least once so he can show me what he’s got. 5/10.

Jules: Alright, but do we first need to deal with the fact that they completely changed the look of this character between films?? For the old, 0/10, would hold a pillow over his face ‘til he passed out. The new one is of much better stock, just look at the 'stache! 4.5/10.

Thirst level: 4.5

21. Cormac McLaggen

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Isha: Cormac is definitely a two-faced Gemini — incredibly good looking, but also VERY slimy, gross and not worth it. 5/10

Hameda: Ya’ll are TRIPPING, Cormac was GORGEOUS and Hermoine really messed up IMO. 8/10.

Jules: Gross. ‘90s fuckboi in the extreme. 1/10.

Thirst level: 4.67

20. Voldemort

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Isha: Every fibre of my being just screams at me if I try to think of ole' Voldy in a thirst-inducing way. It's not happening — not now, not ever. -2/10

Hameda: I’m sorry, but I get WEAK for bad boys and Voldy is the baddest of the lot. Let me at it, I’ll be the Dark Lord's mistress any day of the week. 10/10.

Jules: I’m into him. It. Whatever. World domination is evidently a turn-on. 7/10

Thirst level: 5

19. Ron Weasley

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Isha: Ron is...nice! And funny! And...yeah, sorry — I'm going to have to friendzone him. 4.5/10

Hameda: Look, Ron has the best intentions, but he can be a little stoops at times and stoops men don’t make me horni. HOWEVER, Weasley is our king, so I’m going to have to give our ginger bean a 6/10.

Jules: Oh Ronald, my sweet, sidelined ginger nut! I will say, Ruper Grint had bloody sublime skin and hair throughout these films, so for that reason I’m going to give him a 5/10.

Thirst level: 5.12

18. Severus Snape

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Isha: I'm so conflicted. On one hand, I ADORE Alan Rickman, but this is Snape we are talking about here. I feel like he's that ex that doesn't leave you alone (aLwaYsS!!!) and would moan, grumble and mutter under his breath a lot. Big nah from me, ya'll can have him. 5/10

Hameda: Ugh, before we found out about the Half Blood Prince’s eternal love for Lily, it was 100% a 10 (don’t @ me). But after we figured out how whiny and annoying he turned out to be, it’s gotta be a 3/10.

Jules: Fuck me up Snivellus, I am here for it. Alan Rickman? BIG YES. Conflicted, aggressively vengeful and petty AF characterisation? WHY NOT?! 8/10.

Thirst level: 5.33

17. Seamus Finnigan

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Isha: To me, Seamus will forever be known as the kid who singed off his eyebrows in Harry Potter. That and his Irish accent, which I find VERY sexy. Talk dirty to me, pls. 7/10

Hameda: Seamus is a damn riot and he could take me out any time he wanted. But do I think being funny makes you good in bed? Eh… 6/10

Jules: I fully expect someone in the comments to trash me for this, but I cannot get on board with Seamus. 4/10.

Thirst level: 5.67

16. Albus Dumbledore

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Isha: Oh, god no. Dumbledore is, like, a gazillion years old. 0/10

Hameda: This is disgraceful! Why is Albus on this list? Show some respect for the greatest wizard of our time. That being said, 10/10.

Jules: O.G. Dumbledore from films 1 + 2 gets a solid 6/10, just because he was perfection in that role. Second-generation Dumbledore belongs in the bin, 2/10. And finally, JUDE LAW DUMBLEDORE I WOULD DESTROY, 10/10. But overall, I'll give him a 7/10.

Thirst level: 5.7

15. Bill Weasley

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Isha: Far out, I forgot how bloody attractive Bill is. And that's coming from someone who is not usually a fan of long-ish hair on guys. I can't see his hands in these pictures, but for some reason I feel like they're very...big. 7/10

Hameda: Book Bill is real froth-worthy. I mean, come on — the scars and the fang earring do it for me! Movie Bill? Nowhere near as buff or ripped as I imagined, which was a lil sad. 6/10.

Jules: Look, I adore Domhnall Gleeson, but he was not Bill Weasley for me. He’s too slight, with much too delicate features. So, I can’t say he gets me reaaaal parched, but I’ll still give him a 6/10.

Thirst level: 6.30

14. Dean Thomas

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Isha: I feel like Dean never had much of a chance (how many lines does he have in the movies, lol?), but if I'm basing it on what Alfred Enoch looks like now, my, oh my, GIMME. Dimples, six pack (probably), yum. 7.5/10

Hameda: Dean is sweet and don’t get me wrong, his dimples are ADORABLE. But I think we would be better off as friends...who make out occasionally. 6/10

Jules: I imagine that Dean would want a lot of eye contact, which is his only downfall. Still, take a 7/10, Deano.

Thirst level: 6.83

13. Remus Lupin

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Isha: Remus is 100% the sort of guy who would treat you incredibly well and surprise you with breakfast in the morning. He's just a sweet werewolf daddy and I stan. 8/10

Hameda: Remus is an angel and was definitely one of my top crushes in high school. But looking at him now, I think he’d be too high maintenance. He doesn’t exactly embrace his whole werewolf thing and a man who does not accept his flaws is a man I do not want to bang. 6/10

Jules: See, again, I grapple with the movie vs. my imagination Remus. Like, the dude was only in his early thirties when the books began, but then on-screen he’s practically got one foot in the grave?? So, I’ll give him a confused-but-horni 7/10.

Thirst level: 7

12. James Potter

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Isha: Young or old, James Potter can definitely get it. End of story. 8/10

Hameda: James, like Harry, is completely overrated in my opinion. Cocky ain't cute! But still would bang, so I guess 6/10?

Jules: As far as the Marauders go, Jimmy boy ain’t my #1. But I still wouldn’t kick him outta bed. 7.5/10.

Thirst level: 7.2

11. Viktor Krum

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Isha: Frothed over him as a teen (helloooooo, he chose Hermione over all the girls because he recognised how beautiful she was on the inside AND outside) and will continue to froth over him as an adult. 9/10

Hameda: An international Quidditch star, adored by so many and yet so not my vibe. Hermione can keep him. Boring. 4.5/10

Jules: Krum in my head is 10x hotter than Krum in the films, so to that imaginary hunk, I award you 8.5/10. I just couldn’t get around cinematic Krum’s weird facial hair.

Thirst level: 7.3

10. Kingsley Shacklebolt

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Isha: Jeez, Kingsley did not get enough attention in the movie. He deserved better and for that he definitely gets my tick of approval. Besides, his sense of style is off the charts. 6/10

Hameda: Kingsley has me written all over him. Here's an auror who basically saved the entire Weasley clan, as well as the so-called "Chosen One" when he sent his patronus to Fleur and Bill’s wedding. For this, he deserves it all. 10/10

Jules: Yaaassss Kingsley! Hold me in your burly auror arms and keep me safe from harm. 6.5/10

Thirst level: 7.5

9. Neville Longbottom

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Isha: The OG glow up that I will never, ever get over. Neville, hunny, you're welcome to call me ANYTIME you please. 9/10

Hameda: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Neville and feel like he was wronged in the movies regarding his actual backstory. Does this make me want to bang him? Nah. 6/10.

Jules: HORRNNIIIIIIII. But only after graduation. Long enough to let this image leave my brain. 8/10.

Thirst level: 7.67

8. Fred and George Weasley

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Isha: Charming? Tick. Funny? Tick. Down to do a threesome? Tick — ahem, I mean — actually, I said what I said. These twins are downright fine and I'm still mad at J.K. Rowling for killing off Fred. 9/10

Hameda: I can’t tell if I want to sleep with Fred and George or be best friends with them. And though the two aren’t mutually exclusive for everyone, they sort of are for me. Still, because of that excellent exit and massive FU to Umbridge, they get an 8/10

Jules: Yeah, you really can’t take one without the other here. Like, they would definitely be swingers (if they’d both lived long enough to enjoy a healthy sex life). Shame, I made myself sad. 7/10.

Thirst level: 8

7. Blaise Zabini

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Isha: Holy mother of YES!!! I don't care that he's in Slytherin (as a Gryffindor, I am morally obligated to hate them) — I'll jump into his fine bed any day of the week. 8/10

Hameda: Blaise is so irrelevant that I don’t even really remember much about him aside from the fact that he was in Slytherin and hung out with Draco. Would I screw him? Probably. 8/10.

Jules: I fully believe him and Draco were probably shagging on the side, but Blaise is a goddamn GIFT, so 9/10, would absolutely go there.

Thirst level: 8.3

6. Tom Riddle

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Isha: Is he evil? Yes. But this is a ranking of THIRST and in that respect he has well and truly opened up the floodgates. 7/10

Hameda: Phwoar, Tom Riddle is delicious and nobody can tell me any different. As Voldy or as Tom Marvolo, he is MINE. 10/10.

Jules: Tom Riddle was goddamn divine. I don’t even know if this dude had a sex drive, I feel like he was too hell-bent on slicing up his soul? But 8.5/10, I would be all over this.

Thirst level: 8.5

5. Oliver Wood

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Isha: All I have to say is that he's a keeper both on AND off the Quidditch field. 8.5/10

Hameda: OLIVER WOOD IS A GEM, THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT. 10/10.

Jules: Yes, come to me, my Scottish prince. 7.5/10.

Thirst level: 8.67

4. Sirius Black

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Isha: I feel like I'm going to get attacked for this, but Sirius is just ehhhh for me. I think it's because he partly reminds me of my dad, who is also guilty of rocking the long hair and 'stache situation. 6.5/10

Hameda: Isha doesn’t know what she’s on about. For me, Sirius is peak Marauder. He’s gorgeous, sweet and was so ready to take care of Harry — even though Harry is a 'lil shit. You can be my god-daddy anytime, Black. 10/10

Jules: You’re damn right you’re going to get attacked for this. Sirius Black is PEAK Harry Potter horniness for me. 10/10. This man was my sexual awakening. I mean, Gary Oldman I could give or take (he’s about 20 years too old for this role), but BOOK SIRIUS had it all.

Thirst level: 8.83

3. Cedric Diggory

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Isha: As if you wouldn't want to ~mull~ things over in the prefect bathroom with Cedric and his perfect jawline. 9/10

Hameda: Since he helped Harry out with the egg during the Triwizard Tournament, I'd take a bath with him in the prefect's bathrooms. 8.5/10

Jules: Sure, it’s basic AF, and maybe we only like him because he got snatched out of our hands too soon. But I’ll still give him a 9/10.

Thirst level: 9.12

2. Draco Malfoy

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Isha: Look, Draco was a dick in the beginning. But then he turned into a soft boy™ and, well, that's very much my kink. I still ship the whole Harry x Draco sitch, though. 10/10

Hameda: I've had heart eyes for Draco ever since the start. When he was a slimy little first year, when he got turned into a ferret, when he was taking down DA — I’m obsessed and Tom Felton could GET IT. 11/10.

Jules: He belonged with Harry. He was robbed. We were all robbed. But still, 7/10 (I’d just prefer his dad…).

Thirst level: 9.33

1. Harry Potter

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Isha: I am Harry Potter trash through and through. I know he has so many faults, but also, shut up — I don't care. I'll take him and his dorky awkwardness any damn day of the week. 11/10

Hameda: I can absolutely see the appeal for Harry. I mean, he IS the Chosen One, but I have to say I’m not SUPER horni for him. I’m SORRY. He’s closet cocky and he ain't that cute. 7.5/10

Jules: Harry is a big YES from me. Also, growing up, I was v horni for Daniel Radcliffe. Like, weirdly so? But I remember watching him on Rove and he was so fucking hilarious. My humour bone and arousal bone are one and the same. 10/10

Thirst level: 9.5

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