1.
my body: *gives me signals to sleep the whole entire day* me: *goes to bed* my body: https://t.co/56RpHRcGC5
2.
proud to announce that i will be participating in No Noise November this month. please do not speak to me. i will not be listening
3.
when ur playing "cards against humanity" and u think ur card is hilarious and then the person reads it out loud and not a single person laughs, yeah that shit hurts
4.
[5am] Cat: *retching in the hallway* Me: *tired moan* My dog: *kisses my forehead* Iโll go.
5.
my resting face vs my personality https://t.co/pBoZbrLJQv
6.
Nobody: 11year old me:
7.
when you and another student see each other on the same google doc at 2 am
8.
my white blood cells fighting off a cold
9.
nick carraway: you okay? jay gatsby: yeah iโm fine gatsbyโs headphones: Green Light โ Lorde 1:16 โโโโโโโโโโ 3:55 โป โฒ โ ก โณ โบ volume: โโโโโ โโ 100%
10.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm my parents at 4 am:
11.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder? McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
12.
The four stages of a day off: 1. I will do so much stuff 2. Later I'll do lots of stuff 3. Eventually, I'll do some stuff 4. Oh no.
13.
After i say โ thatโs crazy โ twice, please wrap up ur story
14.
Scarlett Johansson when she eventually plays a Latina in a movie
15.
Itโs NO-vember. Donโt ask me for shit
16.
some fuck: You canโt be funny without being offensive Banch:
17.
when your friends make fun of your biggest insecurity but you have to act like it doesn't bother you https://t.co/EeOTAvPJJa
18.
8 year oId me when i ate 4 gummy vitamins instead of 2
19.
what they say it is: a 9-5 what it actually is: waking up at 6am, leaving the house by 7:30, staying late to finish up work and leaving the building at 6pm, getting home at 7:30 due to rush hour, sitting on the couch for 30 mins questioning everything. a 6am- 8pm.
20.
when you try pulling the hotel blanket from where itโs tucked
21.
*sees kids in heelys* me at age 10: god that looks so cool me at age 15: god that looks so cool me at age 24: god that looks so cool
22.
snapchat filters work on cats
23.
nobody: primary school teachers: and then he swung back on his chair and died
24.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad? clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i'll just have a regular salad please waiter: alri- clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man