1. Angelica Panganiban would play Regina George, Ellen Adarna would play Karen, and Melai would play Gretchen Wieners.
2. Damian would be played by Thou Reyes.
3. Regina’s mom would be played by Ethel Booba.
4. And there’s no way Regina’s mom would offer her a condom. No matter how much of a cool mom she is.
5. Aaron Samuels would be the captain of the basketball team.
6. Cady would always be able to see Aaron because they don’t switch classrooms.
7. “Is your pan de sal buttered?”
8. And Cady would have answered, “No, pero may icing sa ibabaw ng cupcake ko.”
9. “On Wednesdays, we wear pink… panties. Because our school has strict uniform codes and that’s the only thing they aren’t gonna see.”
10. The Plastics would get in trouble for always wearing foot socks.
11. “Stop trying to make petch happen! It’s not gonna happen!”
12. Instead of the Old Orchard Mall, Cady and The Plastics would go to SM.
13. And SM would be on sale that’s why Cady would compare the people with animals in heat back in Africa.
14. Janis would work at Watsons.
15. They wouldn’t be hanging out in the cafeteria for lunch. They’d be rushing to eat their lunch so they could make tambay somewhere else.
16. Because she’s from Africa, students would want to be friends with Cady instead of bullying her.
17. “She made out with a longganisa.”
18. “Whatever, I’m getting cheese sticks.”
19. Instead of “Jingle Bell Rock,” The Plastics and Cady would dance to Jose Mari Chan’s “Christmas in Our Hearts.” Everyone would know the words.
20. Regina George would be making out with Shane Oman in a bathroom that’s abandoned because the flushes don’t work.
21. “You wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Jollibee?”
22. Karen’s boobs would go crazy all throughout June–October.
23. “Is Star Margarine a carb?”
24. Instead of “Byotch,” the Plastics would call each other “Beh.”
25. “I don’t think my father, the inventor of Pan De Coco, would be pleased to hear about this.”
26. “I’m sorry I laughed at you that one time you got diarrhea at National Bookstore.”
27. “I wish we could all make bibingka out of rainbows and smiles.”
28. When Karen pretends to be sick, Regina would say “Eh di wow!” instead of “Boo, you whore!”
29. Regina wouldn’t wear sweatpants to school because, again, they go to school in uniform.
30. Regina’s mom would be, like, everybody’s mom who takes thousands of photos.
31. And she’d own a selfie stick.
32. “I’m a tarsier. Duh!”
33. “I love your butterfly pin! Where’d you get it?” “It was my mom’s in the 90’s.” “Vintage, love it. So adorable!”
34. Sex education would only go as far as teaching what certain body parts are called and what it does.
35. Coach Carr would get fired right then and there for giving out condoms.
36. There’s no way the sexy Santa outfits would be allowed at the Winter Talent Show.
37. And it wouldn’t be called “Winter Talent Show” because winter just doesn’t exist in the Philippines
38. The Burn Book wouldn’t have been a big deal because students would’ve already read bad things about themselves on the vandalisms on the CR door.
39. And then the Burn Book would be stolen or be lost, idk, and the Plastics would have to pay a lot of ransom money for it.
40. Regina would be hit by a jeep instead of a bus.
41. And when Regina gets hit by a jeep, they’ll think she’ll die, but the truth is she’s alive and suffering from amnesia.
42. And finally, when Cady wins the Spring Fling Queen, she’d be like…