Taco Bell released its ~Diablo~ hot sauce this week, which the company is calling its “hottest sauce packet ever.”
That's right. Hotter than Verde. Hotter than Mild. Hotter than Hot. Hotter than Fire.
So, naturally, I got my hands on 100 packets and dared myself to see how many I could eat.* The rules were simple: No water. No milk. No bread or other food. Just me vs. ~Diablo~.
Packet 1: "I feel strong. I feel ready."
"Smells a little spicy."
Down the hatch.
While the sauce tasted tangy at first, the heat quickly settled in.
It was at this moment that I started to have my first doubts.
Packet 2: "There is a ring of fire in the back of my throat."
Packet 3: "Oh, my brain feels weird."
Packet 4: "It's really tasty when you first eat it, but then it hurts."
Packet 5: "My tongue is pissed."
Packet 6: It was around this point that I began to hiccup.
Packet 7: "It's OK. I'm good. Be chill."
Packet 8: "Turn up the heat" was written on the packaging, and it did not disappoint.
Packet 9: "Breathing hurts."
Packet 10: "This is no longer fun."
None of it had been fun, actually. But it was about to get a lot worse. Because then...
"I think I got something in my eye."
But I wasn't gonna let that stop my terrible quest.
So our champion continued to endure.*
Packet 11: "Smiling hurts."
Packet 12: "I'm not done."
Packet 13: No words spoken.
Packet 14: "My lips are hurt. I might be delirious."
Packet 15: "It's like flames have been tap-dancing on my tongue..."
"...there's no blocker for boogers in my nose..."
"...and my eye feels like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto."
Packet 16: Sweet release.
Packet 17: A few people leave the room, worried by the ferocity of my last burp.
Packet 18: "My jaw hurts."
Packet 19: "I don't want to do this with my face right now."
Packet 20: "I might not make it to 100."
Packet 21: "I kind of wish I could drink milk."
Packet 22: "I kind of want to go to sleep, though, too."
At this point I have an idea: two packets at once.
Packet 23/24: "Fuck it."
While the experience is not pleasant, I do make it through.
Packet 25: "My left arm feels weird."
Packet 26: "My belly to the top of my head now feels the same way my lips have felt since the beginning."
"Five at once."
Five at once, it is not surprising, does not go well.
In fact, five at once has me reaching for the aforementioned bucket.
Chekhov's gun, bitches.
And just like that, ~Diablo~ won.
...a broken man.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be idiots.
An earlier version of this post misnumbered one of the packets. In my defense, they were really hot.