Every Thought I Had Watching "Spice World" For The First Time
37. Sporty does cartwheels to remind us that she's #SPORTY. I LITERALLY need her to chill.
1. This sexy intro is very James Bond/TLC's "Red Light Special" video.
2. We open on the girls singing "Too Much." Wait, is this movie just going to be a long concert video?
3. I do recognize this song though. For some reason, I owned the Spice World film soundtrack but never actually watched the movie. Was I wannabe?
4. This concert looks like nothing I'd imagine an actual Spice Girls concert would be like.
5. Why does Geri have writing on her dress? Why'd she draw the short fashion straw? Is this why she quit the band to sing her iconic desperation anthem "Look At Me?"
6. Well, at least they changed out of their white outfits into their natural insane street wear when they leave this Top of the Pops performance.
7. Elton John is in the hallway for some reason to kiss them all. I wouldn't have found Elton embracing Eminem at the 2001 Grammys so legendary if I knew he was always hanging around hallways to kiss people.
8. Alan Cumming is shooting some type of documentary while wearing a Canadian tuxedo. Cool?
9. Okay, HERE'S what I imagine a Spice Girls concert is like. There's a bunch of screaming girls outside.
10. The girls get into a fight about zodiac signs and Leos are accused of being thieves. Not cool.
11. Posh could not give a fuck having fun with any of these squabbling girls though, which is why she's my favorite.
12. Some random filmmakers discuss making a movie about the Spice Girls, and I hope this becomes important later?
13. One of the filmmakers says "Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act?" but if he'd seen the NBC documentary Smash he'd know that everyone cares about whether Marilyn can act.
14. The Spice Girls' manager, Clifford, is talking to… Blofeld? I'm not sure why else he'd be caressing a cat so creepily.
15. Everything was so silver and metallic and "futuristic" looking in the late '90s.
16. The girls are rehearsing "Say You'll Be There" and Mel is wearing a fucking winter coat for some reason? She's the only one wearing a puffy jacket. Is this because black music artists wore a lot of puffy jackets in the '90s thanks to Diddy?
17. Wait, Mel just took her jacket off. I guess she wasn't cold? Was this all just product placement for POLO?
18. Some pregnant girl named Nicola shows up and she's just been dumped by her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she's here, did there used to be six members of the Spice Girls?
19. Victoria does NOT want anyone from this documentary filming her. Remember, this is '97 when no one wanted a reality tv show.
20. The girls imagine themselves with kids for some reason and they're also STILL living together for another strange reason. These girls need lives.
21. I'm feeling some type of way about this Kwanzaa outfit they stuck Scary in.
22. I'm still not sure what the hell this movie is about. Is that the point?
23. Who cares if they find a cure for déjà vu? Who cares if they find a cure for déjà vu? Oh, I guess that was cute.
24. Why is this newspaper editor spitting so much?!
25. Why is this ginger getting off on the spit? Is this the 50 Shades of Saliva?
26. Lightning strikes and it literally starts raining in the office. Maybe they need to sell papers to fix their broken sprinkler system?!
27. The girls are playing chess and of course Scary is playing with the brown pieces.
28. The movie these filmmakers are pitching to Clifford for the Spice Girls seems dumb, but like, it has more of a plot than this movie?
29. Victoria is literally nothing but a rude bitch this entire movie but I am still feeling her so much.
30. Sporty is on an exercise bike, like I GET IT. She's SPORTY. But also, exercise bikes aren't a sport.
31. Baby Spice can get away with anything, according to Sporty, which is explained to us by a riff on Clue. Y'all can we riff on a plot tho?
32. Scary shouts at some fish that remind her of her ex-boyfriend because valar morghulis, I guess.
33. Now time for a sexy photo shoot with McNulty from The Wire!
34. Actually wait, the girls hate the photo shoot and instead play dress up by themselves. Is this a thing girls like to do?
35. Sporty dresses like Danny from Grease, is she supposed to be a lesbian?
36. Victoria dresses like a Bond girl and I am actually kinda sad she never got to play one in an actual movie.
37. Sporty does cartwheels to remind us that she's #SPORTY. I LITERALLY need her to chill.
38. Arthur Slugworth from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory magically appears and gives the editor-in-chief of The Event creepy photos to prove he's the guy to get dirt on the Spice Girls. I... okay.
39. Alan Cumming isn't let into a party the girls. Isn't he filming their documentary? None of these girls seem very involved in this, was he actually hired to make this documentary or not?
40. Jennifer Saunders makes an appearance as Edina from Ab Fab!!! I die.
41. Mel touches a white guy's curly hair, is this reverse racism? LOL.
42. The pregnant friend shows up at the party but everyone has to go get photos taken and she's sad no one at this exclusive party wants to talk to a pregnant woman carrying an ugly backpack around. I'M SO SURPRISED.
44. The girls go into a diatribe about how men should be orderable like pizza, but they're useless otherwise. Amen to that, tho.
45. Alan Cumming asks Ginger if she even likes boys, but I thought Sporty was the lesbian?
46. Ginger's response is, "come on, is the Pope a Catholic?" This turns into a "controversy" for the newspapers.
47. The girls fly to Milan and Mel B IS WEARING THAT PUFFY COAT AGAIN WHAT THE HELL?
48. But #BLESS THESE SHIRTLESS GUYS IN UNDERWEAR WHO POP UP BEHIND THEM.
49. The girls think it's tacky, so they're officially insane.
50. Wait, that was just the rehearsal. The actual performance is at night in this weird café coliseum.
51. The guys, no longer shirtless, come out in purple suits, looking like something out of an Almodovar film.
52. The guys spin around and show their butts MY GOD. Why didn't I see this movie during puberty?
53. The girls head back to the London countryside and they run out to use the bathroom in the woods. They can't get the toilets fixed on their bus? Aren't they superstars? I think Beyoncé could get the toilet on a tour bus fixed.
54. Does anyone use tour buses anymore?
55. WAIT THERE ARE ALIENS HERE? WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING?
56. Why do the aliens look like Troll Dolls?!
57. The aliens want concert tickets but the girls say it's all sold-out. I'm sure I'd make an exception for scary aliens that just landed in front of me?
58. Ginger kissed one of the aliens excuse me while I vomit.
59. The girls can't have a day off to see their pregnant friend and why are we still worried about this random girl?
60. Oh, they can't have a day off because A NAZI IS TEACHING THEM DANCE MOVES.
61. Nazi choreography to the tune of "Never Give Up on the Good Times." Like, when this Nazi was marching for Hitler? How is this in this movie?
62. The girls are in army camo gear now, except for Posh, who's wearing a camo dress and giving zero fucks about anything that's going on. #Goddess
63. Arthur Slugworth CLIMBS OUT OF A FUCKING TOILET? This is all a bit too much.
64. The girls run down the stairs in their pajamas. Is this turning into a slasher movie?
65. Victoria goes on about a nightmare she had where she had no make-up on. LMAO. This woman is a treasure.
66. You know, I'd totally watch Spice Force Five.
67. The girls are on a boat and I literally have no idea what's happening in this movie anymore.
68. Ginger remembers when they were all aspiring musicians. Nicola is there and she turns on a stereo so the girls can sing and perform. Is the moral of this story that Nicola was just untalented? Literally all of these girls are in a group and she's just the random friend.
69. "Viva Forever" (I love this song, btw) plays while the girls find each other on the street, sad that their old coffee shop closed down.
70. They wonder if they've changed since being famous and why they never have time for their pregnant friend. YOU ARE LITERALLY SITTING ON A BENCH DOING NOTHING. HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIEND IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER.
71. The girls have a nightmare about their future albums selling as much as Lotus did.
72. They take their pregnant friend to some kind of rave. Couldn't they have just watched a movie or someone?
73. Victoria is feeling NO ONE'S looks at this club.
74. The girls, who were just lamenting not spending time with their friend, LEAVE HER UPSTAIRS TO GO TO THE DANCE FLOOR.
75. Her water breaks, of course, so now they have to get to the hospital.
76. Ginger is about to try and deliver this baby. Gurl?
77. It's morning at the hospital now and Nicola hasn't given birth yet. They have a concert, but the world can wait, it's about friendship and commitment! Whuuuut. I'm pretty sure all of this reasoning is ridiculous.
78. The baby gets delivered just in the nick of time, but then THINGS GET WEIRD. Even weirder than they've been already, which is quite a feat.
79. The filmmakers start narrating the movie. DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN? Has this been a fictional "movie" the entire time?
80. The girls kick the photographer's ass and then commandeer their tour bus because they, who've never driven a bus, will naturally get it to the concert faster than their actual driver.
81. It's also the middle of the day, what time is this damn concert supposed to be?
82. Also, according to the filmmakers/narrators — there's a BOMB on the bus. I'm sobbing this is so ridiculous/hilarious/WTF.
83. But fuck the bomb, because the girls have arrived at the concert hall.
84. The police stop them and guys, this might turn into a serious discourse on police brutality. LOL. Kidding. This isn't America, so the girls get to go do their concert.
85. Clifford apologizes for being an asshole to this blonde woman whose name I never bothered to learn. Guess I should apologize too.
86. The girls sing "Spice Up Your Life" at the concert. YASSSS QUEEEENSSSSSSS! I've forgotten about anything else that happened in the movie because they are slaying this stage and I wish I'd gotten to see a Spice Girls concert at some point in my life.
87. Oh, the movie's over?
89. WHAT ABOUT THE BOMB?
90. The credits are "behind the scenes" meta moments. Like, everyone's acting as if they are on the set for the movie Spice World.
91. This movie is getting too meta for me, we could've stopped at the concert and it'd probably be one of my favorite movies ever. But now I have so many QUESTIONS. Like did Alan ever finish his documentary?
92. Whatever happened to the newspaper editor and his raining office?
93. Was their friend Nicole even based on a real person? Was she created to give these girls some fake depth?
94. The girls are now talking to the camera. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BOMB?
95. Oh, someone asks about the bomb and then — EXPLOSION. What just blew up?!?!
96. That was really irresponsible of the Spice Girls tbh.