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17 Football Terms That Mean Something Different To Gay Guys

But "slobberknocker" is the same in every language.

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1. Down

Literal definition: A period of action that starts when the ball is put into play and ends when the ball is ruled dead.

Matt Ortile: Alternative for "bottom." Like, I'm down to down.

Ira Madison III: A masc top's go-to phrase. "Go DOWN on me. Put your ass DOWN."

Matt: Like "Down It Low by Christina Millian feat. Sam Smith."

2. End Zone

Literal definition: A 10-yard-long area at both ends of the field.

Ira: I know this one, it's where you score touchdowns. I'm from Milwaukee so I sometimes watch Packers games to not feel like a traitor and also because Aaron Rodgers is hot.

Matt: I only know the other kind of "packers."

Ira: SMDH.

Matt: Is there a start zone?

Ira: No, I think there's just the rest of the field.

Matt: So there's an ending but no beginning? Typical straight men.

3. Extra Point

Literal definition: A kick, worth one point, that's typically attempted after every touchdown.

Matt: When he eats ass.

Ira: Shouldn't that be a requirement these days? If straight people are co-opting it, then we have a duty to uphold

Matt: So it's just a point.

Ira: An extra point for not being a general asshole on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, at a bar, Twitter, in general.

Matt: I like how it's apps > IRL > twitter thirst for you.

4. Interception

Literal definition: A pass that's caught by a defensive player, ending the offense's possession of the ball.

Matt: The sequel to Inception.

Ira: Cockblocking.

Matt: Same thing.

Ira: Look at this Chris Nolan shade! I got dragged on BuzzFeed for shading Interstellar, so good luck.

Matt: I can take the heat from Tumblr.

5. Sack

Literal definition: When a defensive player tackles the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage for a loss of yardage.

Ira: Something people don't shave as often as they should.

Matt: When giving head, getting all the way down to the sack. Does that warrant an extra point?

Ira: You mean, not having a gag reflex? That is a skill. Who can even do that?

Matt: 🙋

Ira: You will have so many people sliding into your DMs.

6. Hash Marks

Literal definition: The lines on the center of the field that signify one yard on the field.

Ira: When you can check someone's Twitter timeline and see who they're fucking.

Matt: When you mark your prey on Twitter. You put a hash mark on the guy whose DMs you're about to slide into.

Ira: Hash marks the thot!

7. Safety

Literal definition: A score, worth two points, that the defense earns by tackling an offensive player in possession of the ball in his own end zone.

Matt: Something they ask me about at the clinic. Every three months.

Ira: Something porn studios don't want to ruin the fantasy.

Matt: Something that comes in all sizes.

8. Snap

Literal definition: The action in which the ball is hiked by the center to the quarterback.

Matt: A basic tool of communication.

Ira: What straight people think all gays do to enunciate words.

Matt: Is that not true?

Ira: Well, yes. I guess straight people are right sometimes.

9. Alligator Arms

Literal definition: A receiver who does not fully extend his arms to catch a pass because he is afraid that he will be hit hard immediately upon touching the ball.

Ira: Is this what we call people who constantly selfie their arm workouts?

Matt: And they're like, veiny. I love veiny but these are like, TOO veiny.

Ira: I only wanna see veins on that d

Matt: Alligator D.

10. Slobberknocker

Literal definition: When a player is hit so hard that the slobber comes out his mouth.

Matt: The result of — as Nicki puts it in "Bang Bang" — a kitten so good, it's drippin' on wood.

11. Bump & Run

Literal definition: A defensive technique where the defender will initially hit the receiver at the snap of the ball and then run with him in coverage.

Matt: A Grindr hook-up.

Ira: A guy you meet at a bar and neither of you can host so you end up in the bathroom.

Matt: YIKES.

Ira: Did I get too dark?

Matt: Nah, just right.

12. Drag

Literal definition: A route where the receiver runs downfield and breaks in towards the center of the field on a 90 degree angle.


Ira: The process of letting a basic bitch have it. It being a reason to eat their feelings.

Matt: An art form, in all senses of the word.

13. Jacked & Pumped

Literal definition: Victorious, jubliant, turnt up, etc.

Matt: My type.

Ira: The screenname for 50 percent of white gays on Grindr.

14. Out Pattern

Literal definition: The course that a wide receiver runs where he starts running straight downfield and then turns and runs toward the sideline in an attempt to get open.

Matt: The order in which you come out to the people in your life. Like, friends first? Mom first? Then Dad? Grandparents never?

Ira: The method of a former celebrity coming out on a magazine cover to gain relevance. See: Bass, Lance.

15. Eligible Receiver

Literal definition: A player who is legally allowed to touch the ball when thrown forward over the line of scrimmage.

Matt: When he consents to a facial.

Ira: When he's showered before you rim him.

Matt: We have very clear priorities.

16. Dink & Dunk

Literal definition: A succession of short passes that use up the clock.

Matt: When he's teasing you with just the tip. And then dives in without warning.

Ira: You know, I like to respect boundaries.

17. Touchdown

Huffington Pictures / Via

Literal definition: A score that is made by carrying the ball over the opponent's goal line or by catching the ball while standing in the end zone.

Ira: A hook-up that becomes a relationship.


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