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    How To Talk About Celebrities Like Miles Teller

    "Oh, for fuck's sake. Joaq?"

    Ira Madison III
    by Ira Madison III

    BuzzFeed Staff

    In his interview for the September issue of Esquire, Miles Teller had a lot to say. Like the fact that he literally has four teeth. And that he refers to Joaquin Phoenix as "Joaq."

    Esquire / Via esquire.com

    In the interview, he talks about actors he admires, saying, "If I'm really homing in on the dramatic performance right now, it's probably Christian Bale or it's Joaq... I just said Joaq. Joaquin Phoenix. I don't know him, but my publicist has repped him since he was, like, seventeen. She repped River, too. So I just hear his name."

    Joaq? Joaq. OK.

    Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

    Well, if Joaquin Phoenix is "Joaq"... what would Miles Teller call other celebrities? Probably this:

    Tayo

    Shirlaine Forrest / Getty Images

    You know what goes in Thousand Island dressing? Tayo.

    Hep

    Hulton Archive / Getty Images

    Audrey Hepburn was around in the '60s, she'd be real jazz, real beatnik, a real Hep(burn) Cat.

    Roc

    Getty Images

    Pronounced Roque, in a faux French accent. Because if Miles Teller met Rock Hudson, it would have been at a café (bistro? restaurant?) in Paris.

    Jay

    Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

    Well, this one is actually acceptable.

    War

    Henry Gris / Getty

    War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, except for referring to Warren Beatty.

    Chi

    Chris Jackson / Getty Images

    And everytime Chiwetel Ejiofor sees Miles Teller he'll say, "You know I'm from England, yes?" And Miles will just laugh and say "The Chi!"

    5

    Ari Perilstein / Getty Images

    Appropriate now that this is the amount 50 Cent currently has in his bank account.

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Michael Buckner / Getty Images

    The subsequent z's are silent.

    Bey

    Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

    Pronounced "BAY." 😒

    Quvenzhané Wallis

    Jason Merritt / Getty Images

    Just so you know that he knows how to pronounce it.

    Miles Teller

    Michael Buckner / Getty Images

    Because the one celebrity Miles will never be able to meet is himself. And if he were able to, by some time travel or marvel of future science, he'd have to call him by his full name.

    Netflix