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I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

Wondering if 1-800-CHARTER is still active.

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For everyone who doesn't know, this is Ben "Macklemore" Haggerty.

Macklemore, LLC

He has risen as hip-hop's pre-eminent white rapper because Eminem's raps still target homosexuals and Iggy Azalea's raps target Homo sapiens.

Macklemore, LLC

Anyway, Macklemore died for our sins and got the SCOTUS to legalize same-sex marriage.

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He even apologized to Kendrick Lamar for stealing a Grammy from him.

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A move that Drake, who be knowing, called "wack as fuck."

So, needless to say...

If only #MacklemoreJoinedISIS were true, and he could take Kanye and Kim with him.

But then, something troubling happened. I attended the VMAs and was fully prepared to skip Macklemore's new single "Downtown"* to get drinks at the concession stand, when this happened:

MTV

*Remake of Kendrick Lamar's "King Kunta."

Macklemore was smiling and doing dance moves from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and DEAR GOD I ENJOYED IT.

MTV

Then the worst thing ever happened that night:

Is this a safe space to admit I had a sex dream about Macklemore last night

And I did not find support:

My mentions were destroyed:

BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. LOOK AT THIS GENTLY RESTING CHERUB.

Macklemore, LLC

LOOK HOW CUTE HIS DANCING IS.

Macklemore, LLC

LOOK AT HIM CRASHING RIGHT INTO MY HEART.

Macklemore, LLC

I think I've watched this video over 70 times in less than 48 hours.

View this video on YouTube

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I've begged Macklemore to release me from this hold, but he will not!

Macklemore, LLC

He just keeps grabbing his crotch...

Macklemore, LLC

And thrusting...

Macklemore, LLC

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Writing to Scruff McGruff in Chicago, Illinois, 60652 won't help.

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MTV

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