71 Thoughts I Had Watching The "Entourage" Movie
How did Turtle get this hot in 8 months?!
1. The film starts in Ibiza, so I'm briefly worried that this is about to go the way of Sex and the City 2.
2. There's like 500% more breasts in this movie than there ever was on HBO.
3. No one has mentioned yet how hot Turtle looks.
4. I think it would only be fair to see Jerry Ferrara naked, you know, for the women and gay fans. I think Entourage underestimates how many gay people watched this male version of Carrie Bradshaw and her cohorts.
5. Vince will never be anything more than the epitome #RichPeopleProblems.
6. Oh, wait, he got divorced from Sophia after a few days? Huh?!
7. Is this movie taking place RIGHT AFTER the show ended?
8. How did Turtle get this hot this fast?!
9. Drama makes a Natalie Wood joke. Is he going to come out in this movie?
10. Ari took the offer to run a movie studio like we all knew he would in the series finale, so way to ignore every cliffhanger from the series finale!
11. Who wants to bet no one sane will talk him out of directing this movie, it'll become a disaster, but end up a success anyway?
12. The Entourage theme still makes me misty-eyed. I kinda love these fools.
13. We've jumped ahead 8 months. Which I still feel like is not an appropriate amount of time for Turtle to be looking like a GOD right now.
14. The group is being interviewed by shady-ass Piers Morgan. Is he relevant in this universe or...
15. I almost wish they'd break the fourth wall during this interview instead of giving us all exposition no one needed.
16. Awww Johnny's Bananas got canceled. Is Drama ever going to win at life?
17. E is wearing cargo shorts, which is all the proof I need that he's the absolute worst.
18. Is it practical to cover yourself with a sheet after you've already exposed everything during a sex scene?
19. I'm super depressed we're still having to endure the Ballad of Sloan and E.
19. Ari tells Turtle he looks like Karen Carpenter and you seriously cannot tell me this movie isn't for gay people.
20. T.I. and Tiny are at the doctor's office when E and Sloan get there threatening to get a vasectomy, which is probably something he should actually do in real life?!
21. Vince and the crew walking around without paparazzi constantly snapping photos of them is the most unrealistic part of this movie.
22. Turtle street harasses MMA fighter Ronda Roussey and she doesn't kill him smh the patriarchy.
23. Lloyd is in Ari's phone as "Gaysian." No wonder it takes place so soon after the series, the jokes are stuck in 2011.
24. Lloyd wants Ari to give him away at his wedding. Ari refuses, so I'm assuming the movie ends with him actually doing just that!
25. Billy Bob Thornton and Haley Joel Osment looking... um... quite different than when he saw dead people, are the investors for the movie. They talk in horrible Texas accents and look like villains from Dallas.
27. Having a bunch of drunk people sign NDAs doesn't seem like it will be effective.
28. THERE ARE A LOT OF SHIRTLESS DUDES AT THIS SCREENING PARTY. Entourage is the most iconic gay show of our time.
29. Billy Walsh is still doing drugs, but also he's hot AF too. I'm getting kinda turned on from this movie and I might make out with the bro next to me.
30. Everyone keeps wondering exactly how much money Turtle made off his deal with Mark Cuban. This is a joke that goes nowhere, BTW, so I won't mention it again whenever it pops up.
31. It's horribly criminal that Debi Mazar DA GAWD never got a spin-off.
32. How has Ari not met Lloyd's fiancé yet?
33. More shirtless guys. This is basically a Bryan Singer party except everyone is above the legal drinking age.
34. I'm only assuming E is getting all this action because cargo shorts turn women on in this universe.
35. Vince makes Pharrell perform for the crowd. PHARRELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHAT THIS WHITE BOY TELLS YOU TO DO.
36. Also, who would've performed if he wasn't there?!
37. With all these cameos, I kind want someone random like Gina Gershon to show up.
38. Haley Joel Osment looks gross and sweaty and like a meninist when he hits on the girl that's clearly into Vince. This won't end well! (Except it will in the end because this is Entourage, after all.)
39. Vince's movie seems the be the exact same as Zac Efron's upcoming DJ movie. Also Calvin Harris is in it. Plus zombies?
40. Kid Cudi is playing Ari's assistant, which is a missed opportunity to have this be in the same universe as How to Make it in America, but also I'm probably the only person who watched that show.
41. This cannot be a good movie?! There's a DJ fighting zombies and it looks like a Spring Breakers spoof.
42. Haley Joel Osment is overweight and southern, so of course he has to be the villain and hate the movie.
43. How to pick up people in lamaze class will be a new self-help book from Chad Lowe.
44. Kelsey Grammer also shows up as Ari goes to a therapy session because the cameos in this movie are OUT OF CONTROL.
45. This girl Drama is seeing has a boyfriend who threatens to kill him. Drama always gets really, really lame stories.
46. E also gets a lame, sexist story where the two girls he fucked try and make him think he got one of them pregnant and got herpes from the other. Fun!
47. I'm mostly mesmerized by the fact that they're having lunch at The Little Door, one of my favorite restaurants in Los Angles. I even had a birthday dinner there!
48. Come to think of it, I passed by while they were filming this scene last summer and was annoyed that my route was diverted, but I guess it all worked out in the end! For someone.
49. Jessica Alba utters the phrase "#JessicaAlbasAss" which is still classier than her wig in the Fantastic Four movies.
50. Turtle keeps urging Drama to drink his tequila, which is weird, because he's drinking from a flask so no one can tell what he's drinking.
51. Everyone is SHOCKED that the movie is being torpedoed because Haley Joel Osment likes the girl that Vince is fucking. I feel like Vince's libido is the cause of every single problem that has ever existed on this series.
52. Everyone offers to fund Vince's movie themselves, except Drama: "I'm strapped, bro." LMAO. Literally the funniest (and realest) moment of the series.
53. Turtle has to fight Ronda in the ring to win her love, because har har women beating up dudes is funny.
54. Though come to think of it, it's actually just really hot seeing Turtle in the ring getting all sweaty, and... sorry, where did my mind go?
55. Chad Lowe is at Drama's audition for Criminal Minds. Did he get fired from Pretty Little Liars in this universe or...
56. The son from Married... with Children shows up, which I suppose fulfills my wish of a really random AF cameo!
57. Who filmed Drama's sex tape? I don't think anyone wants to know.
58. But his masturbation scene is not as funny as this scene from Broad City.
59. Ari reveals why Haley Joel hates the movie in a dramatic, Dynasty-style boardroom confrontation that doesn't end in a Moldavian Massacre-style cliffhanger so what's the point?
60. Ari fired anyway because he didn't treat Haley with "respect" even if he's a horrible person. The moral of this movie is always be nice to assholes with money! Which I guess was the moral of the series from the beginning.
61. This is supposed to be a very dramatic moment, and probably main point of the film, but I have no doubt that Ari will bounce back from this so whatever!
62. E and Sloan name their baby Ryan Murphy because they're evil, horrible, no-good people.
63. Ari asked for equity in Vince's movie and SURPRISE it's a box office smash! I hate these people. But much like another famous gay piece of cinema, I can't quit them. I'd gladly turn over my cash to watch Entourage 2.
64. Jeremy Piven might kinda be looking hot in this movie too, severe spray tan and all.
65. Vince's movie is nominated for a shitload Golden Globes because even Entourage knows that shit ain't winning any Oscars.
66. Footage from this year's Golden Globe ceremony is spliced in, FORCING GEORGE AND AMAL CLOONEY INTO CAMEOS.
67. Does Amal Clooney even know what Entourage is?!
68. Johnny Drama with an acting nomination COME THRU!!!
69. Drama wins and Globes presenter Mark Wahlberg is as shocked as all of us that Entourage decided not to take this opportunity to shit on Drama again.
70. Johnny lets out a big Viking Quest "victory!!!!"
71. The after-credits scene is Lloyd's big gay wedding. Ari gives him away. All the while making offensive jokes. Even on his wedding day! #blessed