If you use the subway as your primary mode of transportation, you're probably bored of its monotony. Instead of sitting quietly and playing Candy Crush on your way to work every day, why not mix things up and be an asshole for your next ride? It will make things way more entertaining if everyone is staring at you and hating your guts, so next time the workweek has you down, try out any or all of these tips on how to be an asshole on the subway!
First of all, smoke a really pungent cigarette right outside the entrance to your train. As soon as you finish the cigarette, hold your breath until you are on the subway, and then breathe in everyone's faces.
Before you board the train, hold the doors for as long as you can. When the conductor replays the "Please stand clear of the closing doors" message, just consider it a challenge. When the doors finally close, yell that you need to get off the train.
Take up as many seats as possible when you sit down.
Better yet, just sit on someone else.
If you get tired, which you invariably will, tell people you are having a medical emergency and need to lay down. Proceed to nap.
Pretend you know how to do cool subway stunts, but really just use it as an excuse to kick people in the face.
Get in a fight with your significant other and throw your phone at the other end of the subway car.
Decide that it is absolutely not an option to ever wait for another train. You can fit.
Cut your nails. Make sure to scatter your nail clippings all over the floor. Or throw them at people.
Prepare your next meal; time is limited when you have to commute, so bring your cutting board and knives with you. Onions are a particularly good choice for the subway.
Get to know people: there is no better way to make friends than to invade someone's personal space.
Treat the subway as your personal moving van. Why pay for movers when the subway is more convenient?
Walk around farting on people, and then complain loudly that the subway smells bad. Choose an innocent bystander to blame it on.
Treat the rest of the passengers as the other people in a game of "Honey, Do You Love Me?" Walk from person to person, hitting on them with the exact same line, and see if you can get any dates.
Bring your screaming child with you and hand it to an unsuspecting passenger, saying, "could you just hold him for one second?" Don't take the baby back until you get to your stop.
Make out passionately with your significant other. Or just a stranger who seems down.
Preach about whatever you're feeling passionate about that day: Jesus, atheism, bagels... whatever floats your boat.
Encourage your children (or any other children on your subway car) to be as annoying as possible. Cheer them on when they do something particularly frustrating.
Do your very best to make every single person don this expression at some point during your commute.
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