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    Updated on 3 Nov 2018. Posted on 16 Oct 2017

    An Accurate And Honest Summary Of "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai"

    A stunning documentary on the exemplary detective work of an eight-year-old child prodigy.

    For '90s Bolly kids like myself, life would never have been the same if it wasn’t for this particular movie. I know how to weave a friendship band. And I know you probably wanted to own a “C-O-O-L” necklace like Rahul at some point in your life, too.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Today we’re rewinding Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, because few things feel as good as a solid kick to the childhood.

    Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is a beautiful story about the triumph of conformity over all else. It is a heart-touching cinematic experience which strengthens ancient beliefs — don’t be yourself, especially if you’re a woman. By the end of KKHH, one finds themselves saying “Jeet hamesha p̶y̶a̶a̶r̶ sari ki hoti hai” (L̶o̶v̶e̶ sari always wins).

    We see a very sad Rahul standing near a burning chittha, mourning the loss of his wife, Tina, who died soon after childbirth.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Tina left eight letters for her newborn daughter and asked Rahul’s mum to give one letter to her on each of her eight birthdays.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    We are fast-forwarded into Mumbai eight years later. Rahul and Tina’s daughter Anjali has grown to be a total doll. A beautiful Cabbage Patch Kid doll.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali and daddy are very close. She has to help him do everything – shop for his clothes, remind him to take his meds, invest an unfair amount of emotional labour into him.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Daadi (Rahul’s mum) is a religious woman. She often delivers religious sermons on bringing up children to women in the neighbourhood.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Kid is kind of annoying but no one says anything to her because she is motherless. Everyday things remind this poor child of her motherlessness. One day at a junior talent show in school, THIS happens.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    #AllMyFeels…..

    Anjali’s eighth birthday arrives and she finally gets to read the last letter her mum wrote to her.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    We are taken back in time, to the life of a young college-going Rahul Khanna and his annoying best friend with severe internalised misogyny, Anjali Sharma. Imagine dealing with this every morning.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    They’re practically always fighting. Anjali fucking DETESTS being a girl. She gets quite pissed if you remind her she is one. Actually, she’s pretty much always pissed and they're both roasting each other in a perennial barbecue.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    This is not even her final form, guys.

    The amount of shit St. Xavier’s College gives about Rahul and Anjali’s fights is enough to grow an entire healthy forest. If only all this time and energy was invested preparing for a test, these guys would have jobs in the future.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Seriously, why the fuck are these guys so excited? What is so exciting about this, please explain.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Rahul and Anjali have trouble functioning without each other, despite not being able to stand each other.

    Next we meet Riffat Bee, who is Anjali’s… caretaker? I don’t know but she looks after a bunch of girls and she’s the only person who knows wassup.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    And after this, we meet potential rape apologist and college principal, Mr. Malhotra, who firmly believes girls wear short skirts to excite men.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Mr. Malhotra’s daughter Tina (Rani Mukherjee) has arrived from London. She quit Oxford to join St. Xavier’s College in India. Yup. Brilliant decision. Exactly why you shouldn’t be at Oxford.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Rahul is struck by Tina’s beauty, but the narrow-minded misogynist shitnugget in him is standing in the way.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    But soon, Tina proves her mettle and qualifies as sanskaari bahu/biwi material.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    A hymn is a surefire way to win most desis’ hearts.

    In English class, a little bit of inefficient hinting on Rahul’s part leads to this massive misunderstanding.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Lots of our favourite songs happen while strengthening this misconception further.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Rahul and Tina’s love is blooming. Anjali is as relevant as stick-on nails on a rabbit.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali begins to get overly possessive about Rahul. Her realness ain’t shit compared to Tina’s sanskaar-skirt combo.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    As you would expect, Anjali’s attempts to become Rahul’s main squeeze go in vain. Dressing up girly, trying to be nice — nothing works. She’s always the pichhwaada of all jokes and is forever going to be in the bro zone*.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    *The bro zone is not the friend zone by any means. It's when your male friend treats you like you're "one of the boys" and gets too comfortable. He cracks all the misogynistic jokes he cracks with his bros in front of you.

    Anyway, heartbroken to see Rahul and Tina in love, Anjali decides to leave the college and go to another city, back to her family. Been there before, that shit does make you want to move to another city.

    90 minutes of film later, Anjali gets done with reading her mum’s letter. She’s eight. Ordinarily, she'd struggle with reading the McDonald's menu, but this is Bollywood so she can read her mother's novel ass letter.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Of course her mum Tina hasn’t taken into consideration that it has been EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. Anjali is probably married and has three kids. Or she’s dead. Or has moved to Vegas. But oh well.

    Little Anjali asks her dad about his college BFF Anjali and he tells her what she was like.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali Sharma has finally turned into everything society wants a woman to be. By defeating her actual sporty personality after years of struggle, she is perfect bahu material. But UH OH. WHO'S THIS AMAN? THIS TWATWAFFLE SHE'S MARRYING?

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Meanwhile, little Anjali and her grandparents are trying to trace big Anjali. From school records to going to Riffat Bee, they try everything. When they reach Riffat Bee’s house, she’s obviously praying because believe it or not, that is all us Muslims do in films and IRL.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    How else will the world know Riffat Bee is Muslim?

    In Bollywood, aunties pray on a ja-namaz, and uncles (often called Kareem Chacha) wear skullcaps and hold rosaries for fashion. Luckily, Riffat Bee tells them where Anjali lives and that she’s getting married in a week. But then Little Anjali begins to pray and somehow, Big Anjali’s wedding is delayed till December.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Not only is the wedding delayed but we also find out Big Anjali is considering this entire thing a compromise and isn’t in love with Aman.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    BTW, Big Anjali goes to a summer camp in Shimla every year to teach kids dancing and singing. Being a stalker from the womb, Little Anjali is obviously on her way to that summer camp now.

    Meanwhile, Rahul and Aman bump into each other at a conference over a “Anjali calling” mix-up at the hotel’s reception. And Aman’s just… weird. This is not how you start a conversation.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali meets Anjali at summer camp. Creep that she is, the kid doesn’t spare a minute before freaking out her teacher.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Through a live TV show where “love messages” are being sent out, Big Anjali realises Little Anjali is Rahul and Tina’s daughter. She also misses another huuuge ass misconception by a hair.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Little Anjali fakes being ill, making concerned father Rahul catch the first flight/truck/train to Shimla. He sees Anjali at the summer camp… Big Anjali. #HawtDamn

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    A few days later, Rahul’s male superiority complex kicks in again and he declares that women cannot play basketball, thereby earning a basketball match with Anjali.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    They both cheat a little and Anjali loses.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    And soon, they start getting attracted to each other. By “soon”, I mean over one three-minute song.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Hell, things even get kind of steamy on rainy night.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    In the middle of their mating dance, Anjali realises she’s engaged and runs into the woods crying. You know, because that is the right thing to do. There, she confesses her love for Rahul to… herself. Or this tree.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    I have a few questions at this point. How did this Rottweiler get here? No, not to Shimla, I mean this particular tree in the middle of the woods. Is this man a dog? How do you trace a person clung to a tree in the woods on a rainy dark night?

    Also, why did he not ask WTF Anjali was doing confessing her love to a tree? Why would you say “I love you too” to her unless you are this tree?

    Even on other notes, Aman is beyond annoying and scary. He often gives you those “I love you but may kill one day” vibes. And I think he’s drunk most of the time.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Mind you, Rahul is shady as fuck also. Upon discovering Aman is Anjali’s fiancé, dude totally acts like nothing happened the previous night.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Little Anjali tries everything she can to stop this union from happening.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Everyone’s tricks fail and Anjali leaves the camp early, looking forward to her wedding. Even the quiet Sikh kid who is always counting stars can’t stop her. Yes, that one kid who came to camp to get sky fuckin’ high, clearly.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Rahul gives Anjali a red dupatta she once gave to Tina.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali takes it and leaves. Rahul’s life sucks.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Anjali goes home and insists on getting married as soon as possible. But Rahul has not entirely given up, so he and his family go to Anjali’s wedding, only to do this. What a tease.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Forget everything. May I ask where the fuck this balcony is? Tower of The Skies? Why is there an unnerving number of stars in the sky? Was this wedding held on Hubble’s lense? Questions questions, no answers.

    Now that Rahul and his uninvited family have officially stunk up this bhalli changi wedding — with Anjali crying, her mum getting uncomfortable, and Aman getting mad suspicious — these bitches decide it is okay to leave.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Aman, who can sense what is wrong (as can everyone at the wedding) gets up, grabs Anjali by the arm and tells her what she should do. She makes an assessment.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    OMG DUH. I would pick Rahul in a blink too. SOOO CUTE. So what if it took eight years, a daughter, lots of saris, lots of makeup, Tina’s death, a destroyed wedding and a forced meeting for him to realise he was in love with me?

    Also, Aman’s sense of humour, my god, ew. Who cares if he’s nice enough to sacrifice everything for Anjali’s happiness? I’d rather he marry that basketball he was eyeing earlier.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    Always remember: Anjali, an eight-year-old, somehow managed to reunited her dad with his college friend on the instructions of her dead mother; something Sir Isaac Newton is yet to achieve.

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    A blunt-bang having, tooth-missing icon. A child prodigy detective.

    Now let's talk about the ~Morals Of The Story~ like we always do...

    Dharma Productions / Imaan Sheikh

    – Wear saris. Saris are fuckin' rad, boys love that shit. And we live for boys.

    – No skirts for good girls unless you can pair them up with a hymn. #summercollection

    – Pick Shah Rukh, always.

    – Don’t write long letters to 8-year-olds. In fact, avoid interacting with children at all costs.

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