If you haven't watched Dil To Pagal Hai, it is the story of a girl who smokes up every day to remain in a dream-like state, and how that becomes her advantage in winning the right kind of male attention.
The first thing we see when Dil To Pagal Hai opens is a conversation between Pooja (Madhuri Dixit) and Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan) about love. They have very different views about love. One of them has none, actually.
Also, these guys have not even met by the way. Like the movie JUST started, so I don't know which fucking dimension this was shot in.
Now that you already know half the story thanks to this stupid intro, meet Nisha (Karisma Kapoor), who is a dancer and performs with Rahul and their troupe. She's breakin' it down on stage looking like a young David Bowie.
And honestly, whatever the fuck this is does not qualify as professional dancer stuff.
After a successful show, their director and co-dancer Rahul announces to the audience that their next show will be called "Maya" and it'll happen after three months. His team members are a little confused because this bitch didn't even bother telling them.
Rahul is one of those unpredictable, snooty, fartsy artists who is so up their own asses, they're practically lost. He is a diva who has sabotaged his troupe's dance future while successfully not giving a single fuck.
#CreativeProcess #DontMessHisVibe #BullshitMaster5000
"Maya doesn't exist!" – Wow. Fucking perfect.
Rahul has exceptionally high standards for his fictional Maya – who, might I remind you, DOES NOT EXIST. Yup, setting a show deadline completely reliant on a character who doesn't fucking exist. Sounds like a brill idea, Rahul, you talented bugger.
While Rahul is sketching out the characteristics of his Maya, we see Pooja doing what she does best – looking dreamy and basking in the glory of nature all alone on a green hill.
She is the personification of Rahul's Maya.
Fun fact: Madhuri was stoned out of her head for this scene because rolling down a green hill and playing with your chunri in a remote area is obviously not normal human behaviour. They had to digitally censor the joint in her hand for the movie. Here's evidence I got from an inside source who would like to remain anonymous.
Pooja lives with her uncle and aunt. Ten years ago her parents died in a tragic car crash. (This was when Bollywood collectively realized that, in order to be successful, at least one of the main characters of a film must be an orphan. Trendsetters.)
Of course when the cameras are around, the aunt and uncle act all nice, but this hidden footage we acquired reveals some sinister vibes behind-the-scenes.
In front of everyone:
Hidden camera reveals..
Pooja is BFFs with her uncle and aunt's self-centered son Ajay, who is in London and is cheap enough to never actually call Pooja. Instead, he sends her a one-way message in a fucking audio cassette. This can only mean one thing – he doesn't give a shit about what she has to say.
Narcissistic Ajay in the hizzouuuuuse!
Meanwhile, Rahul and Nisha keep on having their stupid little adorable fights over quintessential '90s things like audio cassettes.
Yeah, their fights really shouldn't be taken out of context...
Rahul's dance troupe has reached their patience limit and simply can't put up with this Maya BS. But a stubborn diva that he is, he tells his dance troupe that no matter how unreal Maya sounds, he will make the character happen.
They insist that a girl like Maya does not exist and he won't be able to find her. But Rahul treats women like Pokemon and he's sure he can catch 'em all.
By now I think it is an established fact that Shah Rukh Khan as "Rahul" in any film is the king of fooling women into thinking he's in love with them. This happened a year later in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai too. Now, the idiot who thinks Rahul's in love with her is Nisha. Obv.
LOL U JUS' GOT #RAHUL'D
A few days later while Rahul is out shopping with Nisha, he * almost * meets Pooja. And they do notice each other while being in two adjacent trial rooms.
Rahul takes off his pants to try on a shirt and Pooja takes zero advantage of a trial room by trying on clothes over her existing clothes. Their beautiful room temperature IQ levels are made to match each other. God made these idiots for each other.
The stench of Rahul's melodic, memorable fart is etched in Pooja's mind.
Do no ask for whom the Rahul toots; he toots for thee...
A few days later, a "bakery mix-up" occurs on Pooja's uncle's birthday. She orders a cake for him but it is delivered to the dancers, while their sandwiches are delivered to Pooja.
By the way, is it just me or this uncle looks completely fucking mental? Like Hitler with extra psycho sauce? Also, dude is like a hundred years old celebrating his birthday like a 7-year-old.
This is death in a party hat.
Rahul comes over to return the cake to the rightful orderer because for some reason, the address is inside the cake box. #weird
Pooja goes out to thank him, but Rahul has the social anxiety levels of an online gamer and, therefore, disappears.
So that's the second "almost-meeting" Pooja and Rahul have. But they develop a connection whereby Rahul's rectal fumes always manage to meet Pooja's nasal hair. #Romance
Anyway, Valentine's Day arrives and the dreamy stoner that Pooja is, she buys a shit ton of gifts for herself. This is what drugs do, kids. They help you treat yourself like king.
Pooja's sure that she'll find her bae tonight before 12:00am.
Meanwhile, Rahul is busy doing Rahul things – putting poor Nisha under the impression that she is the girl of his dreams.
I cannot wrap my head around how much of an inconsiderate asshole this guy is.
Rahul's sarcasm is taken seriously.
Real subtitles. #JustSexistRahulThings
Rahul does not like you. I'm so sorry to break this to you, but you should have known better. Rahul's dream girl is a stereotype queen and you are just not it.
She dances in a daydream. You dance for a living.
She wears desi clothes and can't be seen without jhumkas. You shop at H&M.
When she walks, she lowers her head and one can hear the sound of ghungroos in her anklet. When you walk, you're all cool and confident – how unladylike! You're also a rational person which is the least sexy thing anyone can be.
TL;DR – You have to be a lost fairy princess damsel in distress to get all up in Rahul.
Rahul, who was claiming to fucking hate "love," like, five seconds ago, then proceeds to sing a song about how awesome love is. This further strengthens Nisha's misconceptions.
Meanwhile, Pooja is baked as an apple pie. She's doing the chicken dance in her moonlit garden after lighting up the blunt of her life.
Also, somehow that heart balloon Rahul threw in the air fell right into Pooja's arms. Fuck TCS, let's make balloon delivery a thing.
On the night of Valentine's Day, the record of most coincidences in one week is broken when Rahul also mistakenly calls Pooja instead of Nisha. And soon after, the following happens.... (BEFORE 12:OOAM YESSSS!)
But Pooja is a desi girl and according to her dumb friend, desi girls' life decisions are taken by others, not themselves. Guess who shows up to ruin everything...
Professional cock block with a questionable fashion sense – AJAY!
Nisha's birthday comes and Rahul and his friends go for dinner to celebrate.
Here's what happens when she asks for tequila.
Real subtitles. #JustSexistRahulThings
Nisha's a coolio so she's all like LOL fuck you, Imma drink what I want. Later that night, Rahul drops a tipsy Nisha home and she confesses that she's in love with him.
Back at their house, Ajay and Pooja are packing up. SURPRISE VACATION! How can we have a 90's movie without at least one song which has been shot in Europe?
While Ajay and Pooja sing and dance in what looks like Europe, Nisha and Rahul and also doing the same.
What the fuck, Rahul and Pooja, what is wrong with you guys? How can you mislead these two innocent people like this, you heartless buttholes! You two deserve each other!
After the vacation is done, Pooja bids Ajay farewell at the airport. He's going back to London.
She agrees to marry him. There is no pressure but she still does it. What a fool.
Back at the dance school, Nisha injures her foot during dance practice. Now she can't dance for the next three months and the Maya Show is in a week. We iz screwed.
That's when Rahul sees Pooja dancing in this... fucking dance school townhall or something. Is this a free arts auditorium? I don't know what this is. Anyone who wants to be fabulous just shows up in here and starts jamming.
Rahul is playing drums and Pooja dances her ass off to a stranger's beats.
Rahul goes to meet Pooja to convince her to dance with him.
He manages to convince Pooja and trains her to dance and act. He's a moody dick at it too.
How did Pooja go from "meh" to "omg", you ask? Well, Rahul has these emotionally manipulative ways of bringing out people's talents.
He tells Pooja to dance like she is a girl who has always been made fun of for dreaming (read: smoking up) too much. She should dance like a girl who has met the prince of her dreams and proven everyone wrong. I don't even....
Anyway, Rahul goes to Nisha and tells her that he has found Pooja - a total gem.
Obviously Nisha is jealous.
Rahul and Pooja's romance blooms as they prepare for the play-dance-thing. I don't even know how neither of them haven't accepted it yet. Their flirting is so fucking obvious that one rainy night, an army of dancing-singing children has to visit to tell them to cut the fucking crap.
Pooja's is giving Rahul the come-git-wit-me vibes, but at a friend's engagement, she pulls this shit... She breaks to Rahul that she's getting married soon.
Pooja tells Rahul she believes that god has made someone for everyone, and though she's a teeensy weeensy bit doubtful, she's convinced that Ajay is the one for her. That is until Rahul drops her home and this happens....
And now that it iz awn til da break 'o dawn between Rahul and Pooja, we see the most epic dance battle of Bollywood history – NISHA VS. POOJA!
Step Up 5, step asiiiide.
As for Rahul, at this point, the following picture sums up his side of the story...
Nisha understands that shit is getting weird and goes to London. She tells Rahul they both need a break from each other, and that maybe on her return, he will find out that he is in love with her.
Rahul and Pooja are madly in love and smoking the best Jamaican bomb money can buy. Yup, hallucinating and stuff. This came out of Pooja's majestic stash.
Pooja goes to Khandala to visit her aunt. Rahul comes along. Of course, this sparks suspicion in her aunt.
Aunty Ji gives Pooja her blessings and tells her to follow her heart instead of bowing down to her master Ajay. She also tells Rahul that he should tell Pooja he loves her. #BestAunty
However, the pressing question here is how fucking important is it to phrase this shit? Rahul and Pooja are constantly rubbing against each other, how the fuck is it not obvious yet that they are in love? They've sung a fucking love song together, come on!
Anyway, Rahul kind of says it. Kind of. So there's another love song.
Even after all this mental dry humping, Pooja is bent on marrying Ajay.
Nisha returns from London only to find out that not a single fuck has been given by Rahul. Out of sight, out of might. The dog doesn't even greet her when she comes to the dance school to say hello to everyone. Both are heartbroken.
Meanwhile, Pooja has decided that she will come clean to Ajay about Rahul. She does the same thing he did – she records her voice on an audio cassette. She tells him exactly how she feels about Rahul.
But while she's doing this, guess who's coming baaaack. The hairy tyrant Ajay.
And before the cassette makes it to Ajay, his mum comes to Pooja and tells her to prepare for the wedding ASAP.
Pooja is rehearsing with the group when Ajay shows up at the dance school and tells everyone that they're getting married.
Show day arrives, and as rehearsed, Rahul and Pooja are acting out a break-up at the end of the play. Pooja is supposed to tell Rahul that she's never loved him and never will. And she totes does that because heartless.
But as soon as Rahul walks away from Pooja, Ajay shows up from fucking nowhere and plays the cassette tape Pooja sent him, in which she's talking romantically about Rahul.
Okay, but wait a second. They had been preparing for this show for three months. They had sponsors. Apparently it was held at a really big venue too. Money was invested into this. Where the fuck is security? Ajay, a random dude with strange hair walks in and gets backstage. He plays a cassette of his choice on the loudspeaker and no one sees him do this?
What if this wasn't Pooja's cassette? What if it was Sarkai Lo Khattiya from Raja Babu? That would fucking ruin everything right? All the drama wasted? You bitches were lucky it wasn't Sarkai Lo Khattiya.
Up your fucking security, goddamnit.
Anyway, Rahul and Pooja hug and yayyy love story!!!
Why did an asshole like Ajay do this, you ask?
Morals of the story:
• Drugs will help you find love.
• Keep the sanksaar alive. Forever.
• Plunging neckline or GTFO.