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An Accurate And Honest Summary Of "Vivah"

A beautiful tale of how a benevolently sexist dad sneakily gets away with never giving a shit about his other lovely darker-skinned daughter.

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Meet Krishnakant, local kanyadaan connoisseur, racist, and adoptive father of his deceased brother's daughter Poonam.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

He loves her very much and literally just looking at her makes him cry because she's so beautiful and adorable and laughs at everything like a fucking oaf.

Minor detail: He also also has a blood-daughter called Rajni. She doesn't really matter to Krishnakant because she's dark-skinned. Rajni's mom wants to lighten TF out of her skin, and she hates Poonam.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Rajni and Poonam are about the same age but Krishnakant is OBSESSED with getting Poonam married. Benevolent sexism is his jam.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Seriously, dude can't think about anything else.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

You are nothing unless you're married.

Rajni and Poonam share a great relationship despite familial fuckery.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Krishnakant's is waiting for the PERFECT rishta for Poonam.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

A friend has a rishta from Delhi, and the guy sounds like a sanksaar wet dream.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

The guy's name is Prem, and he had no fucking clue he was gonna get pushed into the arranged marriage game so early, but his dad convinces him to try.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Poonam and Prem meet, and are both very very shy.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

They get engaged the SAME day.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

And Prem creepily takes low-res photos of Poonam without asking. #awwww

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

First of all, Prem, that's a bitchass VGA camera 'cause it's 2006.

Second of all, WOW WHAT A WELL-LIT SETTING, U FUCKIN GENIUS.

Despite their very different backgrounds, the families also bond flawlessly.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

They go on trips and shit.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

I can't trust anyone who can wear 1.5kg earrings casually to a game. Poonam is 100% bad news.

Everyone is side-eyeing the newly engaged couple for good reason.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

MFs took "Eye To Eye" too seriously. They barely hold verbal conversation.

By this point in the movie I'm beginning to realise I need English subtitles for this shit because I assumed the film is in Hindi but this is straight-up Sanskrit.

Eventually they start meeting on the terrace using stupid excuses that everyone can see through.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

They bond over things they like...

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

And things they dislike.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

And this creepy fucker does the weird photo in the dark thing, obviously.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

I will not even TOUCH on the song "Mujhe Haq Hai" which is where this GIF is from. Just no. Nope. Not today.

Poonam's adoptive mom is kinda done with this shit because her husband doesn't even TALK to Rajni. Like, this isn't a deliberate part of the movie, he just GENUINELY gives no fucks. I've literally NEVER seen dad even talk to Rajni wtf.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Prem leaves for Delhi and the couple starts communicating through letters.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

And phone calls. The wedding is super close.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

The night before the wedding, a fire breaks out in Poonam's house, and of course her incompetent AF relatives handle it perfectly.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

^^ Me handling literally any crisis.

Even when the house is on fire, Daddy Krishankant continues to solely care about Poonam. Let me remind you that Rajni is an absolute sweetheart to everyone anyway, but who cares. Poonam is prettier.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

He hasn't run out of fucks to give about Rajni, he gave none to begin with. He went inside, rescued Poonam, and picked up the fucking WEDDING DRESS INSTEAD OF HIS LIVING BREATHING LOVELY DAUGHTER.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

WHAT THE FUCK, SOORAJ BARJATYA? ARE THESE THE FAMILY VALUES YOU WANT TO PROMOTE?

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Poonam and Rajni are exiting the building when a big burning grill falls on Poonam. Rajni is safe.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Poonam is very burnt and therefore everyone has just accepted that she is a reject. Even the doctor. Because being pretty > everything.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Her own dad turns out to be a snake. Only her fiancé is on her side, and baffled at how ridiculous everyone sounds.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Literally the fucking doctor who has nothing to do with this is praising the shit out of Prem for being a decent human being, and telling him he's making it hard for himself.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Poonam gets married in the hospital and her adoptive mom is suddenly happy. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

The couple gets formally married a month later. Prem's family has a brain and has thus accepted Poonam without reservations. Dad is glad her face is "still pretty".

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

These are ACTUAL subtitles of what Krishnakant said.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Later, at the suhaag raat, Prem actually went there and used a good hospital pun to get laid, so I guess Poonam made the right choice.

Rajshri / Imaan Sheikh

Moral of the story:

Call out your racist, benevolently sexist dad.