32 Signs Food Is Your Only True Religion

Holy guacamole.

1. You wake up looking forward to the exciting meals of the day. (In fact, you probably plan them out the night before.)

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Ah, what a fine day for pancakes.

2. If you have guests, you can’t wait for them to leave so you can attack food like a beast.

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And if they brought something edible with them, jackpot.

3. Even when you seem to be engaged in conversations or doing work, you’re usually just preoccupied with pizza.

“Pizza speaks to my taste buds.”

4. And every juicy burger TV commercial has so far been a struggle.

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5. You sometimes unbutton your trousers in anticipation of a huge, delicious meal.

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Dear food. Welcome to my spacious tummy. Make yourself at home.

6. Waiting for lunch break at work or school is an everyday battle.

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They don’t know your life. They don’t know what you’ve been through.

7. You are oblivious to the fact that Nutella is actually a spread and not meant to be eaten with a spoon.

This is news to 90% of the world’s population.

8. And you consider powdered milk and chocolate drink mix too holy to not be eaten pure.

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Don’t contaminate them with liquid.

9. Cake/cookie batter = obvious emergency dessert.

Only half the batter actually ever gets baked but #NoRagretz.

10. Food is often the only reason you agree to go out with your friends.

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Thank god for nachos at the movies.

11. And the best moment of any social gathering is seeing the waiter bring over your food.


12. But when someone takes the last chicken wing, deep down this is what you want to do.

*Also applicable to pizza slices, fries and everything else.

13. It worries you that people don’t understand the gravity of picking edibles off your plate.

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14. Or that they trivialise the pain of reaching the end of your meal.

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15. Sinners are those who remind you how unhealthy the food you’re eating is.

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“Hey, raw cake batter will give you a tummy ache. This cupcake has 98365834 calories.”

16. The bait of sweet things has been your biggest weakness.

17. In fact, you momentarily lose most of your senses when you pass by a Cinnabon.

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18. When a movie depicts food, you immediately forget the plot because all your attention’s been captured.

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Even on a full stomach.

19. But then even this scene makes you hungry…

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Can’t blame you. Timon and Pumba have a way of making bugs look delicious.

20. And so it’s almost impossible for you to consider a diet plan.

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21. And if you do manage to try, most of your ‘fitness regimens’ eventually surrender to your one true love.

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22. Which is OK because you have a foolproof defense:

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23. Because in the toughest periods in your life, food was there.

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It understood you. It saved you.

24. Hell, it was even the answer when hunger wasn’t the question.

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25. So it’s normal for you to communicate verbally with your snacks.

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Dear food. Are you listening? It’s me, Hungry.

26. On more than one occasion, you’ve shown your anger by furious eating.

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You see this piece of banana bread? I will do THIS to you! >:O

27. But you also know that eating is an art versatile enough to be used for seduction.

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You see this strawberry? I will do THIS to you. ;)

28. Food is sacred after all, and plays a huge role in determining your relationships.

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It’s a pity that you can’t marry food, this is the 21st century for food’s sake.

29. You’ve been emotionally moved by something ‘cooked to perfection’ or ‘plated beautifully’ on MasterChef.

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30. But despite your love for grand gourmet, there aren’t many things you dislike.

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So long as it tastes good and is edible…

31. Because through sad and happy times, one thing will always be worth living for.

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32. And it will be the closest thing to divinity you will ever experience.

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Imaan Sheikh is a writer for BuzzFeed and is based in Dubai.
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